Where There's A Will, There's No Diner
by Serenity Goddess
Summary: [update: chap 15] (L/L) - When Luke receives a call from his father's lawyer, he is suddenly reminded of a clause in his father's will which states he must get married by the year's end - or lose the diner. Now, you try and guess where Lorelai comes in.
1. Nothing Says Good Morning Like Lard In Y...

note: special thanks to jewls13 for helping me think up of a plot.  
  
note 2: Okay, this is just an intro to everything, so the main plot hasn't even started yet, so don't kill me and say how boring I am. I'm really not. I'm fun, and exciting! Yeah... Anyways, I haven't really written anything much more than this introduction, so if I get positive feedback I'll continue. So, feel free to tell me if it sucks.  
  
ONE: Squeak , Lard, Phone Call – I Don't Know Why They Are All Together  
  
  
"What's that sound?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"What sound?" Rory looked around her.  
  
"It's an irritating squeaky sound. Can't you hear it? It sounds like Megan Mullaly on fast forward," Lorelai stopped walking and spun Rory towards her. "It's coming from you."  
  
"Okay, first off – ow," Rory pulled away from Lorelai and rubbed her shoulder where her mother had just grabbed her, "Second – It's not coming from me. I don't even hear anything. Can we keep walking? I'm not going to have time for breakfast if we keep stopping every fifth step to check out weird noises."  
  
The both of them began walking, when two seconds later, Lorelai stopped again. "Okay, now that's just freaky. The noise has started again. It's your shoes."  
  
"My shoes are fine."  
  
"Your shoes are freaky. Take them off."  
  
"I'm not walking barefoot through Stars Hollow. What if I step on a nail and get lockjaw?"  
  
"Then I will say I'm sorry," said Lorelai. "Remind me to get you new shoes tomorrow."  
  
"These shoes are fine. And they are new. We just bought them last week."  
  
"Then remind me to return them," Lorelai stopped, and took in a deep breath as she stood in front of Luke's Diner. "Ahh, I smell muffins a-toasting and eggs a-scrambling."  
  
"Can we just go in?" Rory said, walking past her mother and pushing the door. Lorelai soon followed, and they both sat down at a nearby table.   
  
"Right on the dot, I see," said Luke, coming up to them, holding up his notepad. "What do you want?"  
  
"World peace and telepathic powers," said Lorelai. "And Rory wants bigger boobs."  
  
"Hey!" said Rory.  
  
"And," Lorelai continued, "Edward Norton."  
  
"I meant to eat," said Luke.  
  
"So did I."  
  
"You're sick."  
  
"I'm adorable," said Lorelai. "And we want coffee."  
  
"Okay, death in a mug, coming up," said Luke. "Anything else?"  
  
"Erm, would you say that scrambled eggs and a couple of sausages are terribly unhealthy?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then I'll have those. And put them on a big plate," said Lorelai, "And pour some oil on it. And then deep fry the whole thing, throw in a couple of cigarettes and marinate it in alcohol. I have a death wish."  
  
"You know, one of these days I'm just actually going to stop listening to you. And then what are you going to do?"  
  
"I have Rory," said Lorelai, putting her arm around Rory.  
  
"My unfortunate destiny," sighed Rory. "I'll have the same thing, by the way. Except without the cigarettes and alcohol."  
  
"Done. Anything else you would like me to clog your arteries with this morning?"  
  
"Well, if you could hook me up with an IV filled with lard, it'd be great," said Lorelai. "Nothing says 'good morning' like lard in your veins."  
  
"Hey, Luke," Rory asked, "Where's Jess?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know," Luke slid the notepad into his front pocket, "I think he went to school, but he probably had some gang meeting to go to. I hear there's going to be a round table discussion about whether to use green or blue paint to vandalize the town hall."  
  
"I say green, because it gives an eco-friendly statement," said Lorelai. "And plus, you know, it blends with the ivy."  
  
"And you wonder why Taylor once banned you from town meetings."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, throw that in my face again. Geez, you slap that man one time and he takes it so personally," Lorelai said. She turned to Rory. "Aww, you feel sad your honey's not here?"  
  
"Don't call him that," said Rory. "I was just wandering where he went, that's all."  
  
"Well, get used to it," said Luke. "The only way I know how to figure out where he goes is to read the news and list down the areas with a sudden peak in crime rates."  
  
"Oh, that's funny," said Lorelai. "I'm somewhat disappointed I didn't think of that, first. Darn, I'm losing my razor sharp wit."  
  
"It's not the only thing you're losing," Luke mumbled under his breath as he walked away.  
  
"I heard that!" Lorelai called out. "And if I had my razor sharp wit, I would have made a stinging comeback, but since I don't, I'll just wait for my food. Consider this your lucky day, Billy Ray. Hehe.. Billy Ray. Man, I'm funny."  
  
"Classic," Rory added.  
  
"Okay, enough about that," Lorelai turned to Rory. "I've thought of a great excuse to get us out of this week's Friday night dinner. Get this – you have contracted a life-threatening disease, and I have to stay home and take care of you. It's virtually fool-proof."  
  
"Yeah, except that if I had a life-threatening disease, maybe I should be in a hospital instead of stuck at home with you."  
  
"I'm better suited to take care of you than a hospital."  
  
"You couldn't even grow a Chia Pet, what makes you think you can take care of me when I'm suffering from a life-threatening disease?"  
  
"Okay – first about the Chia Pet, that was a total rip off. I did everything the damn box said to do, and it didn't grow, so it's not my fault. "  
  
"You left it in the kitchen cabinet for six days without sunlight or water before you remembered you were trying to grow a Chia Pet. Anyways, I don't think Grandma will believe that I managed to catch three life-threatening diseases in the past two months."  
  
"We'll tell her you have a weak immune system."  
  
"She'll see right through you."  
  
"I'll tell her we had to get you one of those plastic bubbles for you to live in – like John Travolta. And you can't leave your bubble, because if you do, you'll die. And the bubble won't fit through the door, so I can't take you to Friday night dinner," said Lorelai. "I'm a genius."  
  
"What if Grandma actually comes to visit?"  
  
"Then we'll have to get you a real plastic bubble as backup," said Lorelai. "Now, finding an actual plastic bubble that's big enough for you, that's the real challenge. Do you think Styrofoam would work as well, because I saw some big pieces leftover at the Inn. Maybe we can fashion it into a crude box."  
  
"This conversation has gotten longer than it should have," said Rory. "I propose we end it."  
  
"Proposal rejected," said Lorelai. "Where is our food?"  
  
"It's only been three minutes, mom. Luke isn't Superman."  
  
"Oh, really? Because I don't think it's a coincidence that we never see the two of them together in the same room at the same time," said Lorelai. "Now you think about that. Should I go bug Luke?"  
  
"You're going to go no matter what I say, so go ahead."  
  
Lorelai gave a small giggle and walked up to the counter. Luke was on the phone, looking and sounding agitated. She waved at him, but he ignored her – he was too busy screaming obscenities into the phone. Lorelai shot him a surprised look as he slammed down the phone, fuming.  
  
"I'm guessing their deal on aluminum siding wasn't really a bargain?"  
  
"What?" Luke said, his voice still loud and angry. He realized this, and then calmed down, speaking in a softer tone. "No, it's just … never mind. Oh, you're probably waiting for your food, I haven't even put the order through yet, I'm sorry, the phone rang and I -"  
  
"No, it's okay," said Lorelai. "What's going on anyway? I've never seen you use such colorful language before. Except for the time Taylor hung those colorful streamers all over your awning without telling you. By the way, I have to tell you that that morning, I learnt three new words. I was so excited I used them on Michel immediately when I went to work the next day."  
  
"It's nothing," said Luke, "Just some … it's my problem. Don't worry about it."  
  
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? It looks pretty serious to me."  
  
"No… I mean, yeah it's serious, but I don't want to bother you."  
  
"Are you kidding? You're not going to bother me," said Lorelai. "Maybe I can help you."  
  
"Oh, I don't think you can help me with this one," Luke sighed, "But thanks anyway. I'll get working on your eggs… and your coffee. God, I forgot to give you coffee, too."  
  
"I'll flog you later," said Lorelai. "I'll use my custom made Hello Kitty whip, too. Look, Luke, you can tell me. It sounds like a big deal. Who was that on the phone?"  
  
Luke took a deep breath and leaned forward. "My dad's lawyer."  
  
- to be continued - 


	2. That Crazy Assed Will

Author's note:  
Finally it's here! Sorry I've been so lazy lately, and FF.Net was acting kinda weird so I couldn't update it earlier. Love ya, and let me know what you think, okay? :)  
  
  
TWO: THAT CRAZY ASSED WILL  
  
  
"Your dad's lawyer?" Lorelai frowned in confusion. She knew that lawyers were generally disliked, but she didn't get why one phone call would leave Luke stark raving mad. "Am I sensing an Ally McBeal moment coming up soon?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind. Continue."  
  
"That was my father's lawyer, Fergusan McNeil," Luke spat out the words venomously. "Apparently calling me to remind me of a certain clause in the will that I may or may not have overlooked over the past ten years or so. What kind of name is Fergusan McNeil anyway? What kind of crazy-assed drugs were his hippie parents hooked on when they named him?"  
  
"Okay," Lorelai put her hand on the counter and tried to interject before Luke could carry on with one of his never-ending rants. "Not overlooking the fact that I'm deeply troubled you said 'crazy-assed', but… what clause are you talking about?"  
  
"It's stupid."  
  
"It's not like that Tim Allen movie where you have to be Santa Claus forever, right?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tim Allen had to be Santa Claus after he knocked the real one of his roof. But the thing is he wasn't really exp…"  
  
"What type of crazy-assed movie is that?"   
  
"And there we go with the crazy ass again," said Lorelai. "Luke, what's wrong? The last time I saw you this upset was when you discovered flannel wasn't the in thing anymore, and that was eight years ago."  
  
"I'm sorry," Luke sighed and put his head in his hands. He didn't say anything for a few seconds, choosing instead to sigh loudly. After a while, he looked up and ran his hands over his face quickly. "I just can't believe I forgot about it. There's got to be some way around this."  
  
"Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell out, so who was left? Repeat. So I will. One more time : What clause? And don't you say 'crazy-assed' again or I'll bitch slap you."  
  
Luke looked at Lorelai like she went insane, but made the mental decision that she probably always looked like that, he just didn't notice it before. "When my father died, his will said I would inherit his hardware store."  
  
"Wow. I must say, I am surprised. I did not expect that," Lorelai scoffed. "Skip the intro and get to the good part."  
  
"… but, if I were not married by the end of such-and-such year, I would lose it."  
  
"Oh," Lorelai was stunned. "Married? As in married married? As in to a woman, married? That type of married?"  
  
"No. Married as in a one-time non-committal gay relationship. Of course that's what it means."  
  
"No need to get snippy, Lucas," said Lorelai. She flipped her hair back absent-mindedly as she tried to figure out a possible solution to Luke's problem. "And you just forgot about this clause?"  
  
"It was ages ago," Luke tried to defend himself. "I don't know… I didn't think about it because I… I thought I would be married by now and it wouldn't make a difference. I was still seeing Rachel and I thought things were going … argh, I can't believe I just let this happen."  
  
Lorelai listened, but when she was done she suddenly slammed her fist on the counter. "I've got it!"  
  
Everyone at the diner looked at Lorelai out of curiousity. Rory stared at her mother from where she was sitting – wondering what Lorelai was up to this time. Luke took a step back, surprised at her sudden outburst. "Jesus, Lorelai, could you -"  
  
"Contest the will! It's a brilliant plan, I've seen it on TV, and it's very dramatic. You get to be angry and there's a lawyer there and stuff. It's very authentic."  
  
"Thanks for the legal advice, Johnny Cochran, but I can't. Another clause of the will says that if I do anything of that sort, I lose all the inheritance."  
  
"Oh, crap," Lorelai frowned. She knew that the diner was the one thing Luke loved in this town, and it was possibly the one thing he needed to keep him sane. It was his world, and if that were taken away from him she wouldn't know what he'd do. "So what happens if you lose the diner?"  
  
"It goes to Liz, I guess," Luke shrugged his shoulders, trying not to think of that possibility.  
  
"Well, that's not so bad," said Lorelai, putting her hand on his arm. Luke pretended not to notice that her skin was soft and cool to the touch. He nonchalantly shifted his arm from under her hand and absent-mindedly twirled a nearby cup on the counter. "So the ownership will just transfer from you to Liz – nothing else needs to change."  
  
"You don't know my sister, Lorelai," Luke put the cup aside. "The minute she finds out this place is hers, she'll sell it and buy something stupid that will only last her for six months, and then she'll be broke, and I'll be broke, only I'll be slightly worse off because I'll be broke *and* homeless. She never liked this place, not when my father was running it, and not now."  
  
"Wow," Lorelai absorbed all this information slowly. "Well, I guess there's really only one thing left for you to do."  
  
"And what's that? And please let this be something you didn't learn during prime time."  
  
"Don't mock me, or I'll play the Star Trek card, Trekkie," Lorelai drummed her fingers on the counter top. "If the clause says you need to get married, well then, frankly, all you need to do is get married. Easy as pie. Easy as cake. Easy as cake and pie."  
  
"Oh, wow, you've really solved my problem now, thanks," Luke replied sarcastically. "Now why don't you go find out what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa, because I'm sure they could really use your keen problem-solving skills."  
  
"Whoa, error, error, sarcasm overload," Lorelai replied in a robotic voice. "Come on, the solution is obvious."  
  
"Okay, Sherlock," Luke folded his arms and leaned towards her, "Let's say I follow your great plan. Who am I going to marry? Miss Patty?"  
  
"You know she is looking for a new hus…"  
  
"Lorelai!"  
  
"Okay, I admit, I don't know who you should marry," said Lorelai. "How long do you have, anyways?"  
  
"Two months."  
  
"Well, that's enough time. You put out a small personal ad, one that says 'Lumberjack Lookalike Seeks Sham Wife To Maintain Ownership of Inherited Diner'."  
  
"You're just brimming with great ideas aren't you?" Luke said. "And I can't get a sham wife. Because the will says if I get married just to keep the store, it gets revoked anyways."  
  
"Oh, blah blah, how would they know?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe there's something there which says Fergusan McNeil," Luke frowned the moment he said the name, "or whoever, can exercise discretion as to whether or not the marriage is… I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. Do I look like a lawyer to you?"  
  
"You look like an extra from Sweet Home Alabama."  
  
"Not helping, Lorelai."  
  
"Fine. So you can't take out an ad for a sham wife. Two months is ample time to get to know someone, start a relationship, fall in love, get married. I know… I just saw 'Will and Grace'."  
  
"Will you stop giving me advice directly from your television set?" Luke sighed. "You know what, forget it. I'll just lose the stinking diner, become homeless, maybe get a job at Walmart, get Jess as a co-worker. And maybe after that I can hang myself."  
  
"Oh, come on, Luke," Lorelai gently nudged him with her index finger. "You're a great guy. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who are already in love with you… what with that baseball cap that hides that wild, hazel hair of yours… and that flannel shirt that covers the mass of muscles you must have acquired from flipping burgers. How can any woman resist you? Snap your fingers, they'll come running."  
  
"Hah."  
  
"Hey, Anna Nicole Smith got that old guy just like that, didn't she? I have complete faith that you'll be able to do the same."  
  
"Thanks for the comparison to a gold-digging nympho, but I can't. I mean, marrying someone just so I can keep the diner seems…wrong. It's not the way how I imagined… it's… never mind."  
  
"It's not how you imagined what?"  
  
"Never mind, Lorelai."  
  
"Imagined what?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Forget it."  
  
"What, what, what?"  
  
"Will you stop that?"  
  
"No. Imagined what?"  
  
"It's not the way I imagined it," Luke said, finally caving in. "I thought… that if I got married… it would be because I love someone. It wouldn't be fair to her if we got married because she loved me but I love the diner. Okay? Satisfied? Go ahead, make fun of me. I know you're dying to."  
  
"I won't make fun," said Lorelai. "It's actually kind of sweet."  
  
"I think I like it better if you make fun of me."  
  
Rory walked up to them. "I hate to rush you two, but I'm pretty much going to start eating one of my textbooks soon."  
  
"Why?" asked Lorelai.  
  
"Because they're high on fiber," said Rory. "Because I'm hungry – what else could I have meant?"  
  
"Your breakfast is coming right up," said Luke, giving Lorelai a half-smile as he turned and walked into the kitchen.  
  
Rory looked at Luke go, waiting patiently for her breakfast to arrive. She turned to her mom. "So, what was that all about anyways?"  
  
* * to be continued * * 


	3. Miss Crazy USA 2003

PART THREE: MISS CRAZY USA 2003  
  
"What was what about?" Lorelai asked, staring after Luke as she tried to figure a way to help her friend.  
  
"Why was Luke all huffing and puffing and wanting to blow someone's house down? Who was that on the phone?" Rory said, as she plopped herself on the seat beside Lorelai.  
  
"His lawyer. Well, okay, not so much his lawyer, but his father's lawyer."  
  
"Big trouble brewing ahead?"  
  
"Apparently so. Get this," Lorelai leaned closer to Rory and dropped her tone to a whisper. "If Luke doesn't get married soon, he's going to lose the diner."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeah, his father put that teeny little clause in his will before he went to sell screwdrivers in that big hardware store in the sky," Lorelai said.  
  
"That's ridiculous," Rory said. "It sounds like a Chris O'Donnell movie."  
  
"It does, but this is life. So you know what we have to do."  
  
"Oh, we're getting involved in this?"  
  
"Yes. We have to. It is our destiny," said Lorelai. "If God didn't want us to interfere, he wouldn't have put us here, at this very place at this very time. It is our calling. We're like nuns."  
  
"Well this nun is going into retirement," Rory sighed, "All I want is my breakfast."  
  
"You cannot honestly be sitting there and just thinking about breakfast," Lorelai said, "If Luke loses the diner, you'll never have breakfast ever again for the rest of your life."  
  
"I really think you're blowing this out of proportion," said Rory, "All Luke needs is to flip open the yellow pages, get a lawyer, look over the will, and before you know it, the diner will be his again. Hey, if you meant interfering as in helping him dial, then I'm all for it. That's what you meant, right?"  
  
"Actually," said Lorelai, "I was thinking we should actually help him find a wife."  
  
"You're crazy."  
  
"No, I'm not. Listen to me, it'll be fun," said Lorelai. "We can hold auditions and stuff. We can have a talent segment, and a question and answer round, and a special part where we get Luke to rant to her about red meat for ten minutes and the girl who flinches the least wins."  
  
"What – no swimsuit competition?" Rory said in disbelief.  
  
"Oh, that can be the tiebreaker round."  
  
"What can be the tiebreaker round?" Luke said suddenly, appearing from the kitchen. He put Rory's plate of food in front of her. "Here's your breakfast."  
  
"Thank you, sir," said Rory gratefully, as she began to eat.  
  
"Rory and I were talking about the competition we're going to have for all the girls who want to marry you," said Lorelai.  
  
"She was talking," said Rory, between bites, "I was mainly listening and disapproving."  
  
"Listening, disapproving, agreeing, collaborating, blah blah, same difference," said Lorelai. "Anyways, we're thinking it could be something exciting, like 'Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire', only not so much a millionaire, but an introvert diner operator with limited social skills and a backward baseball cap. Taylor can host the whole thing."  
  
"I'm glad you're taking my problem seriously," said Luke. "I think I'll just find a lawyer and see if he can look over the will. There has to be some loop hole somewhere."  
  
"That's what I suggested," said Rory, "But Miss Crazy USA here wanted to hold a pageant."  
  
"It's a scholarship program," said Lorelai, indignantly. She turned to Luke. "But didn't you say that if you contest the will you'll get cut off immediately?"  
  
"Well, I figure it's worth the risk," said Luke. "There's no way I'm going to let this place just slip out of my hands. I have to do something. It's either this or get married. And before you say anything – don't."  
  
"I wasn't going to say anything."  
  
"I know you, and you were definitely going to say something."  
  
"Well, I wasn't. You don't know me at all."  
  
"If I didn't stop you, you would have said something."  
  
"No, I wasn't."  
  
"Yes, you do. You get that look on your face every time you want to butt in."  
  
"Well, you have a look on your face every time somebody wants to say *anything*. It looks like you spent the whole day sucking lemons."  
"What?"  
  
"Anyways, I wasn't going to say anything," said Lorelai. "I was just about to suggest…"  
  
"No, thanks. Here, have some coffee, drink it, leave, carry on with your life." Luke poured her a cup of coffee and pushed it in front of her.  
  
"Ooh, cheap distraction tactic," said Lorelai, as she reached out to her cup greedily and gulped down her coffee. "But it's only going to delay me for ten seconds."  
  
Luke stared at her drinking her coffee. "How can you drink it that fast?"  
  
"It's a skill – like tap dancing, or mind reading," Lorelai put her empty cup on the counter. "Now, I was going to suggest, that maybe, instead of running the risk of losing the diner by having some lawyer sniff around your father's will, you should just, you know… look around."  
  
"For your sanity?"  
  
"Haha. No, I mean, you should look around. For someone, that you might possibly, maybe, want to, hopefully, down the line, might want to include in your future as a possible long term romantic partner."  
  
"What?" Luke put his hands on the counter and leaned forward.  
  
"Well, it's only a suggestion," said Lorelai, "I mean, you're probably reaching that age when you don't want to spend the rest of your life flipping burgers, living with your juvenile delinquent nephew, in that apartment all by yourself with no one to love. I mean, right now, I would kill myself first, if it were me."  
  
"Thanks for the morale booster."  
  
"I'm only saying," Lorelai explained, "That you're probably going to get married sometime in the future anyway, so what's wrong with starting to look for 'The One' right now? Is there no greater driving force for love than a technical clause in a will that might possibly strip you off your livelihood?"  
  
"You should write poems," said Luke sarcastically. "And whether or not I want to get married, and when I want to get married, and when I do get married, is none of your business, thank you."  
  
"Come on Luke, everybody wants to get married," said Lorelai. "All I'm saying is – if the circumstances right now make it necessary, there's no harm in trying to find your soul mate, right here, right now."  
  
"Oh, sure, there's no way this plan is going to go wrong," said Rory quietly from where she was sitting.  
  
"No, Lorelai," Luke said sternly, "I'm not going to go around looking for some woman to marry just because I have to. I told you this before."  
  
"I'm not saying just any woman …"  
  
"It wouldn't be right," said Luke, "And if I do get married because of this clause, and I'm saying this as a hypothetical, it would have to be with someone who knows what she's getting into, and someone who's not expecting anything more than she should."  
  
"I don't think that's going to be easy," said Lorelai, "I mean, where are you going to find such a person?"  
  
"Well, luckily for me, it was just a hypothetical situation," Luke said. "Because really, I don't think I know anyone who would marry me, just so I can save the diner."  
  
"Yeah," Lorelai nodded. "The person who would do something like that would probably have to be someone who knows what's going on with the will and everything."  
  
"No unfair surprises."  
  
"Yes," Lorelai nodded again, "And, to actually marry you – she would have to be a really good friend."  
  
Luke nodded with her. "Tough luck. I think the only person that fits that description is you."  
  
Lorelai laughed. "Haha! That would be a blast? Can you imagine? You and me married?"  
  
Luke tried to shrug it off. "Erm, yeah. No thanks. I don't need the extra stress."   
  
Lorelai laughed again, but after a few seconds, she stopped abruptly, as a strange thought entered her head.  
  
* to be continued * 


	4. Rehash of the Great 9 Second Silence

FOUR: REHASH OF THE GREAT 9 SECOND SILENCE  
  
"Hmmm," Lorelai mumbled quietly as she processed the thought in her head.  
  
"Hmmm?" Rory echoed, looking up from her breakfast. "Brainstorming?"  
  
"What?" Lorelai shook her head and looked at Rory and then at Luke, and then suddenly her mug of coffee became more interesting. "Oh, nothing, I was just thinking about something."  
  
"Okayyy," said Rory, pushing her plate forward. "Well, think about it some more, and when I get back from school we can talk about your interesting thought. My bus is about to arrive, so I'll see you later. Bye." Rory planted a peck on her mother's cheek and she was out the door.  
  
"Must be a very deep thought," said Luke, putting his hands on the counter. "I think this is the longest stretch of time that you've been quiet, barring, of course, the great nine second silence of '94."  
  
"What?" Lorelai looked at Luke, shaken from her thoughts again. "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."  
  
"Are you okay?" Luke leaned forward. "You seemed to kind of shut down there for a moment."  
  
"I'm fine," Lorelai said. "I was just thinking…"  
  
"You said that already."  
  
"I did?"  
  
"To Rory. Earlier."  
  
"Oh, yeah, right," Lorelai said. She opened her mouth to speak, paused, closed her mouth, and then after a few seconds of thought, decided to speak her mind. "Luke?"  
  
"Uh-huh," Luke was busy wiping the top of the counter with what looked like a dirty dishcloth. He barely looked up as Lorelai spoke.  
  
"Earlier, were you serious when you said you didn't want to marry me because of the extra stress?"  
  
"What?" Luke looked up suddenly. "Is that what's been bothering you? Ah, geez, Lorelai I wasn't serious, I was just saying… I mean - I didn't mean it, I was -"  
  
"Don't worry about it," Lorelai said, "I'm not bothered about that. Well, maybe a little offended, but I'll milk the guilt from you about that later. I was just thinking that it might actually be the solution to that problem you're having."  
  
"What is the solution?"  
  
"I am!" said Lorelai, "You need to marry someone who knows exactly what she is getting into. I fit the bill perfectly."  
  
"What?" Luke was hearing her words but had difficulty registering them. Did Lorelai just suggest what he thought she was suggesting?  
  
"It's so simple," said Lorelai. "You marry me. You keep the diner. Once the property passes, we get a divorce, and everything will be back to normal. It's just a technicality after all. We probably just have to get registered, show the proof to that Fergusan guy, and everything will be solved. Pretty cool idea, no? Next week, I'm gonna try to rob a bank."  
  
"Are you serious? This isn't like one of those pranks where you get me to say yes, and then you laugh and take polaroids of me and post them all over town?"  
  
"No, of course not," said Lorelai indignantly. "And I only did that once, six years ago, get over it. So are you game?"  
  
"Am I game? Are you even listening to yourself? This isn't something that you can just rush into," Luke said, "Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?"  
  
"I've thought about it," said Lorelai, "And really, it isn't such a big deal. All I'm doing is helping a friend, and really, if you look at it, it's in my best interests too, because if you lose this diner I don't know what I'll do. Unless you want to move in with me and make me coffee everyday – then, I really don't care what happens to this dump."  
  
"I'm flattered by your display of concern."  
  
"So, what do you say?"  
  
"You're sure about this?" Luke asked. "You don't mind being destined to become a divorcee in the next few months?"  
  
"I'm fine with it, honestly," said Lorelai. "And besides, I get to go tell my mom 'HAH! I can SO get married'. And it's about time Rory got a new step daddy."  
  
"So you're serious about this?"  
  
"You asked me that already. And yes, I am."  
  
Luke took a deep breath. "Okay."  
  
Lorelai clapped her hands softly. "Yay! We get to save the diner. Now, quick, ask me."  
  
"Ask you what?"  
  
"Ask me to marry you."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It may be the only proposal I get for a while, so I'm gonna milk this opportunity for all it's worth. Come on, ask me. And throw in some poetry, too, that will be really romantic."  
  
"Are you sure that marrying me so I can inherit property isn't romantic enough?" Luke said sarcastically.  
  
"Maybe you should write me a song," said Lorelai. "Or try to fit the proposal into the crossword puzzle of the newspaper, and then I can solve it, and pretend to be so touched and surprised. I've been practicing how to cry on cue, and I think this is a really good chance for me to put this skill to good use."  
  
"You're crazy."  
  
"Ask me to marry you already, damn it!"  
  
"Fine," said Luke. He leaned over the counter so he was closer to Lorelai. He felt his cheeks flush when he said it, and he tried to hide it. He was not sure if Lorelai noticed. "Lorelai, will you marry me?"  
  
"Oh, Luke," Lorelai cried exaggeratedly, clutching her chest, "Of course, yes! Of course, I'll marry you!"  
  
Luke was about to respond with a sarcastic comeback when he was interrupted by the sound of something breaking. He turned towards the sound, as did Lorelai. They both saw Miss Patty standing a few paces away from them, with pieces of a broken plate scattered at her feet. Miss Patty had one hand over her mouth, her face a mixture of surprise and happiness.  
  
"I'm so happy for the two of you!" Miss Patty said as she walked up to where Luke and Lorelai were. "Is it true? That you two are finally getting married? Oh, that's the sweetest thing I have ever heard!"  
  
"Who's getting married?" Babette's voice piped out from somewhere in the diner. She almost ran from her seat to the three of them. "Who?"  
  
"These two of course," said Miss Patty, motioning to Luke and Lorelai. "I heard it with my own two ears. It was the most romantic thing."  
  
"You two?" Babette nearly screeched in excitement. "I didn't know you two were seeing each other! Come here doll, give Babette a hug. Congratulations!" Babette pulled Lorelai into a bear hug and squeezed her tightly.  
  
"Ah, ah," Lorelai gasped, pulling away from Babette. "I'm pretty certain you broke one of my ribs."  
  
"This is one of the most beautiful moments in my life," Miss Patty started dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief. "And to think, I was a part of this special occasion."  
  
"Eavesdropping is not considered being a part of something," said Luke. "And besides, it's not what …"  
  
"Have the two of you set a date yet?" Babette cut Luke off and phrased her question to Lorelai.  
  
"Ah, uh…" Lorelai was caught off guard and didn't know what to say.  
  
"Of course they haven't," said Miss Patty, cutting in. "She just accepted his proposal. I should know. I was right here when it happened."  
  
Luke felt that he would have thrown Miss Patty through the window if it wasn't prohibited by law. "I think you've really misconstrued the whole thing."  
  
"How could I?" said Miss Patty. "You did ask her to marry you, didn't you?"  
  
"Yes, I did, but …"  
  
"And she said yes, didn't she?"  
  
"Yes, but that's not the…"  
  
"And you two are going to get married, right?"  
  
"Yes, but not for the reason…"  
  
"Then there was nothing to misconstrue," said Miss Patty triumphantly. "I'm just so happy you two kids got it together. I tell you, it's been such a pain watching the two of you dance back and forth like a pair of marionette puppets. I'm just surprised that you managed to see each other without us finding out."  
  
"That's because we weren't seeing each other," Luke insisted.  
  
"Oh, come to think about it," said Babette, "I think I sort of knew. Because last Tuesday, I saw Luke's truck parked outside Lorelai's house, but he was nowhere to be seen."  
  
"I was helping her change the light bulb in the kitchen," said Luke.  
  
"Oooh, ooh, and the other day, I saw the two of them in the yard… fishing from a plastic pool," said Babette. "One can only imagine what they did with the pool after that… or the fishing rods."  
  
"I'd rather not, thank you," said Lorelai.  
  
"What is wrong with you people?" Luke asked, directing his question to Miss Patty and Babette.  
  
"Aw, look at the two of them," Babette sighed, "I think they're embarrassed. Let's leave them alone, let them plan the happy day." She gave them a parting wink, and pulled Miss Patty away, chattering eagerly as they walked out of the diner.  
  
"The whole town is going to know about this by noon, ya know," Lorelai said, resting her hand on the counter.  
  
"Yeah, and thanks for the help back there," said Luke. "Your 'ah… uh''s really helped clear things up."  
  
"What did you expect me to say?" Lorelai asked. "Yes, Babette, me and Luke are getting married, but it's only for a few months while we try to take advantage of a loophole in his father's will so he can inherit the diner. Oh, I'm sure that would have gone over well."  
  
"Now everybody's going to think that … that you and I," Luke motioned his hand back and forth between the two of them, "… you and I are… geez."  
  
"Ah, we'll tell them the truth later," said Lorelai. "You just go and tell that lawyer that you just got engaged. And after that, go get me diamond ring, you cheapskate."  
  
*  
A/N: Isn't this fic the bomb? I think I managed to totally destroy Lorelai's character! I think it sounded nothing like her, but I couldn't figure a way to make it seem more realistic. Please don't flame me and tell me how much you want to string me up and kill me for writing out of character. I promise the next chapter will be more Lorelai-esque.   
  
To quell the raging mob, here's a haiku:  
  
They are so in love,  
Lorelai will marry Luke,  
Javajunkies… YAY  
  
See ya later.   
  
PS – I love reviews :) 


	5. Between A Big Diamond Rock and a Hard Pl...

FIVE: BETWEEN A BIG DIAMOND ROCK AND A HARD PLACE  
  
"Mom?" Rory called out as she opened the front door.   
  
"Upstairs!"   
  
Rory climbed up the stairs and flung open her mother's room door. "What are you doing?"  
  
Lorelai was kneeling at the foot of her bed, where several of her tops were strewn. "I'm trying to decide what to wear tomorrow. I want to go for the 'naughty but coy' look, but somehow the only thing I can come up with is 'trashy'. Help me."  
  
"Later," said Rory, as she put her backpack on the nearby chair. "Let's talk about what Miss Patty told me as I got off the bus today."  
  
Lorelai froze. "You saw Miss Patty today?"  
  
"Uh-huh. She was there the moment I stepped out. It was almost as if she was waiting for me. She seemed overjoyed actually. Too overjoyed to see me."  
  
"Oh, yeah, before you continue, I'd like to say that earlier, Miss Patty knocked her head against one of the cages she was dancing in, so you have to disregard whatever she says," said Lorelai. "What did she tell you, anyways?"  
  
"Well, first she hugged me," said Rory, "And then she congratulated me, and then she asked me if I was happy I was getting a new father."  
  
"Wow, I tell you, that Miss Patty really is odd," said Lorelai, as she turned back to the clothes lying in front of her. "Now, tell me, what does the green top say to you?"  
  
"Right now, it's saying that my mother is avoiding the subject," said Rory. "I tried to ask Miss Patty what she meant, but she just gave me a blank look and told me to ask you, if I didn't already know."  
  
"Miss Patty actually didn't *volunteer* to tell you? There you have it – proof that she's not herself," Lorelai held out the green top to Rory. "Now, really, does this really go with my skin tone?"  
  
Rory snatched the top away from Lorelai and threw it over the chair. "What did Miss Patty mean?"  
  
"Okay, fine," said Lorelai, getting up and sitting on the bed. "Miss Patty may have some how found out that I kind of got engaged today."  
  
"You kinda got engaged," Rory repeated, not quite sure what to think of this new flow of information.  
  
"Kind of."  
  
"How do you 'kind of' get engaged?"  
  
"Well, the sort of way you 'kind of' like tandoori chicken. You like it, but then again, not really."  
  
"Are you comparing an engagement to Indian food?" Rory asked. "Who are you engaged to?"  
  
"Matt Damon. But I'm seeing Scott Bakula on the side."  
  
"Mom!"  
  
"You have no sense of humor whatsoever," said Lorelai. "It's Luke."  
  
Rory paused. "Luke?"  
  
"Luke."  
  
"Luke?"  
  
"Luke."  
  
"Luke?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why are you engaged to Luke?" Rory asked, taking a seat beside her mother. "Do either one of you need a green card?"  
  
"What? No," said Lorelai. "Remember what I was talking to you about earlier today? Well, we decided that if I married Luke, he wouldn't lose his diner, and everyone would be happy. I'm just helping him out."  
  
"By marrying him?!"  
  
"Oh, like you can think of a better idea."  
  
"I did have a better idea," said Rory, "But of course, why listen to logic when you can just go out and get married."  
  
"Don't overreact," said Lorelai. "Besides, weren't you the one who told me you wanted a step father?"  
  
"What? When did I ever say that?"  
  
"Don't you remember? It was snowing, and you looked out the window and sighed, and said 'The snow is so lovely, and I wish I had a step father. We can build a snowman together and go tobogganing.'."  
  
"I'm pretty sure I have never used the word 'tobogganing' in my entire life."  
  
"Well you really should start," said Lorelai. "It's loads of fun. Tobogganing. Hehe."  
  
"You're missing the main point," said Rory. "I hope you realize that by doing this you're setting a bad example for me."  
  
"How?"  
  
"You're basically saying that marriage is something that shouldn't be taken lightly and it is something that can be entered into without due thought or consideration."  
  
"It's not like I'm Zsa Zsa," said Lorelai. "And I'm not saying that you shouldn't take marriage seriously. In fact, you're missing out on the bigger moral of the story – a friend in need is a friend in deed."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Uh… when the foot is in the other shoe, you'll learn not to throw glass stones at the house between the devil and a hard place."  
  
"Stop trying to confuse me," said Rory. "I'm not Taylor. And does everyone know about you and Luke?"  
  
"Well, I think Babette and Miss Patty probably handled that part for me," said Lorelai. "But they don't know why we're getting married. They think we've been seeing each other secretly for years."  
  
"Did you tell them the truth?"  
  
"I believe I gave them a stern 'uh' to correct them."  
  
"Well, this is a disaster," said Rory. "I don't see how you can do this. You must have extremely thick skin."  
  
"Don't worry about it," Lorelai put her hand on Rory's shoulder. "Luke and I have a game plan. You should be able to get through this with minimum embarrassment. And check out my engagement ring." Lorelai put her finger out and displayed her ring.  
  
Rory grabbed hold of Lorelai's hand. "Wow. Where did you get that?"  
  
"Luke gave it to me. Pretty neat, isn't it?" said Lorelai, waving her fingers proudly. "I think afterwards I'm going to stand on a street corner and try to blind drivers with this big diamond."  
  
"Luke bought you an engagement ring?" Rory asked in disbelief. "You guys are really taking this too seriously."  
  
"Oh, no, he didn't actually go out and get me one," said Lorelai. "It belonged to his mother. She gave it to him before she died, told him to use it when he actually gets engaged. So he thought 'why not', and gave it to me."  
  
"Just curious," said Rory, "But why do you actually *need* an engagement ring? It's a sham marriage anyway."  
  
Lorelai gasped. "How dare you say that! I'll have you know that Luke and I are deeply in love."  
  
"No, you're not. It is a sham marriage."  
  
"Okay, yes it is, but it's not good for my reputation if you go around shooting your mouth off like that," said Lorelai. "And besides, I thought the ring was very pretty, and I can use it to gloat over Miss Patty. I'm drafting a short speech about how she's a lonely old busybody while I'm getting married with a big diamond rock on my finger. There's even a poem and stuff. Wanna read it? "  
  
"Sure. Right after I get you diagnosed," said Rory. She turned around. "If this turns out badly, don't say I didn't warn you."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, as she stared at the ring on her finger. "Gosh, this ring is pretty."  
  
*   
  
"Hello?" Lorelai said as she picked up the receiver.  
  
"Lorelai, dear, is that you?"  
  
"Babette?"  
  
"Oh, I was hoping I would catch you at here. I was worried you wouldn't be home."  
  
"You live right next door," said Lorelai. "You could have just walked over."  
  
"I know, doll, I know, but I just want to ask you a very short question," Babette said. "Are you free next Sunday?"  
  
"Erm, I'll have to check my planner, but I'm assuming I should be," said Lorelai. "Why?"  
  
"Some of the girls were thinking of throwing you a bridal shower," said Babette. "Celebrate the happy occasion. What do you say, doll?"  
  
"Oh, Babette, I'm flattered really, thank you, but I don't …"  
  
"It'll be fun," Babette said. "We'll have games, food, presents…"  
  
"Presents? What time should I be there?"  
  
"We haven't actually settled that yet," said Babette. "But I'm so happy you like the idea. Also, before I forget, could you ask your mother to let me know if she can make it? I left a message with her maid, but I'm not sure if she got it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your mother."  
  
"What about my mother?"  
  
"I told her maid to let your mother know about the bridal shower. See if she's free on Sunday. Because if she's not, we can always push it to another day. I'm sure she would love to be a part of the celebrations."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Doll, are you there?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm here," said Lorelai, wrecking her brains to think how she was going explain this one to Emily. "Erm, yeah, sure, I'll tell her… She'll be thrilled that she's invited."  
  
"All right, that's great. I've got to go now, I'll catch up with you later. We can talk about Luke then," said Babette, with a hint of mischief in her voice. "Congratulations again, honey."  
  
Click.  
  
Lorelai panicked. Maybe there was still a chance to salvage the situation. She was sure that her mother had not received the message, because if she had, she would have driven all the way down from Hartford and demanded and explanation. And since her day was so far Emily-free, there was still hope.  
  
Lorelai grabbed the keys to the Jeep and rushed to the door.  
  
* to be continued!!! *  
  
NEXT:   
Only one of these is true -  
a) Fun with Emily  
b) Rory goes tobogganing with Luke!  
c) Britney Spears performs at Lorelai's bridal shower!  
  
Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I apologize for the lack of Luke in this part, I love Luke as much as the next person (probably more... he's so dreamy....) but I couldn't fit him in. I'll try to be a little more speedy with updates. And more Luke! Maybe even in a sexy leather outfit. Yum.  
Let me know what you think. I value feedback, and I love diamonds as well. Give me either, if not both. Thank you very much 


	6. The Lamb is Happy, Lorelai is Not

A/N : Some people think Luke in leather is disgusting. To quote Lane – you're just close-minded and blind. :) Anyways, back to my story….   
SIX: THE LAMB IS HAPPY, LORELAI IS NOT  
  
*ding dong*  
  
Lorelai pressed the doorbell and waited. When nobody came, she pressed it again.  
  
*ding dong*  
  
She was getting more anxious as the seconds rolled by. Where was her mother? Was she so angry that she wasn't even going to answer the door? What happened to her maids? Where was everybody? Maybe the doorbell was broken, and she had to press it harder…  
  
*ding dong* *ding dong* *ding dong* *ding dong*  
  
"Oh for heaven's sake!" The door flung open and there stood Emily, looking annoyed. Her expression immediately changed to that of curiosity when she noticed Lorelai was there. "Lorelai?"  
  
"Hi, mom!"  
  
"What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why are you here? It's not Friday night. Is there a problem? Do you need money?"  
  
"I am insulted," said Lorelai, walking past her mother and into the house. "Do you honestly think that the only reason I come here is for Friday night dinner and for money? If you recall, I was here last Saturday for no apparent reason as well."  
  
"You left your phone here on Friday so you came to pick it up."  
  
"Oh, that was just a happy coincidence," Lorelai said. "So, mom, what's up with you?"  
  
"What do you mean? You never ask me that." Emily looked at her suspiciously.  
  
"I mean, what's up with you? What's new? Anything interesting happened lately? Heard any good news? Received any strange phone calls?" Lorelai stressed the last few words for emphasis.  
  
"Honestly, Lorelai, I have no idea what has gotten into you," Emily said. "I swear, you grow stranger and stranger each day. What do you want?"  
  
"I just came by to chat, that's all," said Lorelai. "I was watching 'Tumbleweeds' yesterday, and I thought 'wouldn't it be cool if my mom and I were that close'? So here I am."  
  
"You're being very odd."  
  
Lorelai was about to say something when the maid entered. "Oh, I'm so sorry, ma'am, I was upstairs cleaning and I didn't hear the doorbell."  
  
"That's perfectly fine," Emily replied curtly. "Although next time I hope it's not expected for me to drop everything I'm doing just to answer the door."  
  
"Yes, ma'am," the maid replied apologetically. "Oh, yes, ma'am, I forgot. While you were out, a woman called to ask you ab…"  
  
"I'm getting MARRIED!" Lorelai screamed suddenly, cutting the maid off.  
  
"What?" Emily looked at Lorelai.  
  
"I'm getting married! That's why I came over," said Lorelai. "To tell you. That I'm getting married. Woo."  
  
"Lorelai, please stop being ridiculous," said Emily. She turned back to the maid. "You were saying …"  
  
"Look at my ring," Lorelai put her hand in front of her mother's face. "I'm serious."  
  
"Lorelai, it's not polite to shove one's hand in front of somebody when they're talking, and I would appreciate it if in the future you would – oh my God, " Emily stopped and took a hold of Lorelai's hand, her eyes scanning the ring. "This is a lovely ring. Where did you get it?"  
  
"I pillaged it from the corpse of a dead hooker," Lorelai deadpanned. "What do you mean, where did I get it from? I told you, I'm engaged."  
  
"You're engaged." Emily repeated the words skeptically. She turned to the maid and with one quick motion of her hand, ordered her to leave the room. The maid nodded and left. "Just like that. And do I get to know to whom you're engaged to, or will I have to play charades to guess the answer?"  
  
"Luke."  
  
"Who's Luke?"  
  
"Luke Danes. You know him, mom. He owns the diner."  
  
"Luke's? That Luke?"  
  
"Would you have preferred I married another Luke?"  
  
"When were you dating Luke?"  
  
"Erm, well…"  
  
"Is this a joke?" Emily put her hands on her hip. "Because frankly, Lorelai, I have more important things to do."  
  
"I'm not joking," said Lorelai. "The minute he proposed I rushed home and told Rory, and then I rushed over here to tell you because I wanted you to be one of the first ones to know."  
  
"Your consideration is overwhelming," Emily replied sarcastically. "So what you're telling me is, I'm one of the first people to know you're going to get married to a man you didn't even consider good enough for you to tell me you were seeing."  
  
"I might have to break that sentence into several smaller fragments, because I have no idea what you just said."  
  
"I don't get to know who you're dating, but I get to know when you're getting married. Now, just so I'm clear on the procedure - if you have children with this man, will I be informed during the pregnancy, or will there be a three year waiting period?"  
  
"Mom, you're taking everything out of context."  
  
"I want to meet him."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Luke. I want to meet this man who swept you off your feet so fast you forgot to tell your mother."  
  
"I did tell you …"  
  
"Bring him to this week's Friday night dinner."  
  
"But I…"  
  
"If you're going to marry him and if he's going to be a part of yours and Rory's life now, I think I deserve the right to meet this man. Unless of course, you don't want me to. That's perfectly fine as well. I can meet him for the first time at the wedding. Unless I'm not invited, which would hardly come as a surprise, but then again I'll probably bump into him at a relative's funeral or something. We'll definitely get a chance to talk when the coffin is being lowered into the ground."  
  
"Friday night dinner is fine," Lorelai sighed.  
  
"Good," Emily smiled. "Is he vegetarian? If he's vegetarian I'll tell Lucy to make something special for him."  
  
"No, he's not a vegetarian. He doesn't eat red meat, though, so you might want to avoid that. He calls it 'The Red Death'. Well, okay, he doesn't really, I just thought that would be an interesting anecdote."  
  
"Who on earth doesn't eat red meat?"  
  
"Erm. Luke?"  
  
"That's just ridiculous. If he can eat white meat he can certainly eat red meat. Who has ever heard of a person who eats one but not the other?"  
  
"I have," said Lorelai. "He's called Luke."  
  
"Fine. I'll tell Lucy to scrape red meat from the menu," Emily said, "Which really is a shame. She makes the best lamb roast."  
  
"Well, I'm as disappointed as you are, but I'm sure there's a lamb out there jumping for joy," said Lorelai.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'll be going now, now that I've shared the good news with you," said Lorelai, void of nearly all expression.   
  
"All right. I'll see you on Friday, then."  
  
"See you Friday."  
  
*  
  
"Luke!" Lorelai pushed the diner door open and marched inside. She scanned around, but couldn't find him. She spotted Jess cleaning the counter, and walked up to him. "Jess, where's your uncle?"  
  
"You mean your fiancé? Yup, I heard the good news. Congratulations on that, by the way," Jess answered with the usual smirk plastered on his face.  
  
"Where is he? I need to talk to him about something."  
  
"China patterns?"  
  
"Consider yourself lucky that the law prohibits me from going all American Psycho on your scrawny teenage self," said Lorelai. "Point in his general direction, please."  
  
Jess pointed towards the stairs behind him and continued wiping the counter.   
  
Lorelai walked upstairs and entered Luke's apartment, where she found him leaning over the desk, flipping through one of his ledgers. He turned around when he heard the door open. "You know, there's a common practice amongst civilized people I like to call 'knocking before entering'."  
  
"I'm not civilized," said Lorelai. "And now that we're engaged you're going to have to accept me for who I am. You can't change me."  
  
"Yeah, yeah."  
  
"You should also know I don't cook or clean."  
  
"I thought that was a given," Luke replied quickly. "What brings you here, among the civilized?"  
  
"Just to tell you that on Friday night, you'll be hurled into a world of darkness and despair."  
  
"You're not going to make me watch 'The Hours', are you?"  
  
"No, something much worse. You're coming to Friday night dinner with me."  
  
Luke paused. "Why?"  
  
"Because my mother said so. Her word is law."  
  
"Why does your mother want me there?"  
  
"Because we're engaged."  
  
"You told your mother?!"  
  
"Well," said Lorelai. "It was either that, or let her find out through Babette, who, by the way, I'm going to take out with a sawed off shotgun one of these days if she's not too careful. Which also brings me to a very important question : where does one get a sawed off shotgun, and does it come pre-sawed, or do you have to saw it off yourself?"  
  
"Not answering that question. Did you tell her why we're getting married?"  
  
Lorelai laughed. "Haha! That would be like rolling yourself in barbecue sauce and running through Jurassic Park. Are you crazy? She'll carve me up like Thanksgiving turkey."  
  
"So I have to come to dinner of Friday night."  
  
"Yes. And you can't wear flannel."  
  
"Says who?"  
  
"No one," said Lorelai, "But it's for your own good. She's like a bull … flannel would just enrage her."  
  
"Bulls aren't enraged by flannel."  
  
"Well this is a very special bull. Last week she gored a maid for wearing polyester." said Lorelai. "And ditch the baseball cap. Wearing it, backwards no less, is very much kamikaze like."  
  
"So basically, I will be going there dressed as someone other than myself."  
  
"Yes, that would be the case."  
  
"And the bottom line is, you think your mother won't like me for who I am."  
  
"I never said that," said Lorelai. "It's just that my mother can be very judgmental… and if you're dressed for success, then well, it'll cut down the judging time. And don't get me wrong, you'll still get judged, hey, look at me, I'm a fabulous dresser and I still get shot down like a soldier trapped on enemy territory."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"And," Lorelai continued. "I'm not sure what our story is, but we definitely can't say that we're getting married so you can keep the diner. I'll go home and watch some Sandra Bullock movies to get some inspiration. Now, I'm partial to the idea of you getting mugged at a train station and me saving you, but I'm not sure if she'll buy it."  
  
"You sure? It sounds like a fool-proof story to me," Luke said sarcastically.   
  
"Well, you don't worry too much about it," said Lorelai, "I'll think of our story. You just show up and look pretty. Ooh, maybe we can go shopping afterwards for 'meet the parents' wear."  
  
"No, thank you," said Luke. "You might not believe it, but I think I actually have something other than flannel in my closet."  
  
"I don't think mom will think highly of you if you show up in a Star Trek T-Shirt."  
  
"You know, Lorelai, if you don't want to go through with this, you don't have to marry me. I'll find some other way to keep the diner," Luke said, suddenly serious. "I wouldn't want things between you and your mom …"  
  
"It's fine. I told you, don't worry about it. We've been over this – this is possibly the only real way to guarantee you keeping the diner, and let's face it – things between my mom and I has never really been smooth in the first place… so what am I risking, really?"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Gosh, for the hundredth time, yes! You know, you are really insecure. You should sign up for one of those programs with the twelve steps that teach you to hug yourself everyday."  
  
"I'll do that right after I check you into a mental hospital," said Luke.  
  
"Good," said Lorelai. "So, you know, I figured, you could swing by my house on Friday and drive us to Hartford. Ah, when they see their daughter and her fiancé roll up the driveway in a pickup truck, they will know that they have done a good job raising me."  
  
"Are you making fun of my truck?"  
  
"Aw, you know I wasn't. Don't be so sensitive," Lorelai poked him playfully. "So I'll see you on Friday, then, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
Lorelai headed towards the door. "Oh yeah, also, I'm not sure about this but I think Rory might want you to take her tobogganing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'll see you Friday, Luke."  
  
* to be continued *  
  
NEXT:  
Only one of these is true:  
a) Emily builds a snowman.  
b) Sookie gives birth to quadruplets, and names them all John.  
c) Friday night fun at the Gilmore household!  
d) Norah Jones shows up and wins a few more awards. 


	7. And Then There Were Three

SEVEN: AND THEN THERE WERE THREE  
  
"Mom?" Rory balanced the receiver between her chin and her shoulder as she shifted her pile of books from one hand to the other. Her backpack was feeling unusually heavy as she leaned against the public telephone booth.  
  
"Rory? Where are you?" Lorelai asked. "You were supposed to be home an hour ago. If we're late, your grandmother is going to hit the roof… probably using us."  
  
"Okay, when I say this, don't get mad…"  
  
"Hmm. Words that are usually proceeded by me hopping around the room in a raging frenzy. What now?"  
  
"I can't make it to dinner tonight," Rory held her breath as soon as she had said it, waiting for the outburst that was sure to come.  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You said you weren't going to get mad."  
  
"Rory, you can't do this to me. You're the buffer. You're like Siam in the nineteenth century; the neutral state between the British and France colonies in Burma and Indochina."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I read an encyclopedia when I was waiting for you," explained Lorelai. "Bottom line is, if you bail, there will be no limit to my mother's tyranny. At least with you there, she would keep things to a decent, civilized level. If she knows you're not coming, she's going to bring out the hose for Japanese water torture."  
  
"Okay, I'm not sure if you know this, but grandma isn't Hitler. But I'll give you the number of Amnesty International if you want."  
  
"Not funny."  
  
"Look, mom," Rory sighed, "You know I would go if I could. I was about to hop on the bus when Paris reached out, grabbed my backpack and literally threw me back into Chilton. Apparently there was a student council meeting that I forgot about. Well, not so much forgot, as Paris neglected to tell me. On purpose."  
  
"Can't you skip it? Tell them you have a family crisis. Your mother is dying."  
  
"You're not dying."  
  
"I will be if you make me go there alone."  
  
"Luke will be there."  
  
"True," said Lorelai. "But he's not skilled in the arts of Emily Diversion 101. You, on the other hand, have eighteen years of field training."  
  
"If you want, I'll give him a call and run him through the basics," Rory said. "All you really have to do is look doe-eyed and smile anyways."  
  
"Have you even *met* Luke?"  
  
"Point taken," said Rory. "But you know, I told you this whole thing would turn out badly, but did you listen to me? No. You just had to run out and get engaged to Luke. Now look at this mess."  
  
"It wouldn't be a mess if you just came along."  
  
"You got yourself into this all on your own," said Rory. "And I really can't squeeze out of this meeting. I tried, but Paris is immovable. And it won't be that bad. Things always turn out better than you expect them to be… especially with grandma, since you always expect the worst."  
  
"She is the worst. I saw her eat an orphan once."  
  
"You did not," Rory looked at her watch hurriedly. "Look, mom, I really have to go. The meeting's about to start and if I'm late I think Paris might raze and pillage a neighboring school. I'll see you tonight."  
  
"Don't go! I'll pay you fifty dollars if you come to dinner tonight."  
  
"Bye mom," said Rory. "It'll be fine."  
  
"One hundred… and you can borrow my black sweater whenever you want."  
  
"Tempting, but that black sweater is mine. Borrowing it and not giving it back does not make it yours. Anyways, there's no way for me to get back to Stars Hollow."  
  
"I'll drive you!"  
  
"By the time you get here and back, we'll be late for dinner," said Rory. "And I really have to go now. Sorry, mom, you'll have to go it alone this time."  
  
"Devil child!"  
  
"Bye."  
  
Lorelai sighed. "Bye."  
  
*  
  
Luke knocked on the door. The night hadn't even started yet and he was already getting irritated. He was not used to wearing these kind of clothes – he felt like he couldn't breathe in them. He adjusted his collar anxiously and tried to loosen it, but failed miserably.  
  
Lorelai opened the door. "You're here."  
  
"In the flesh," said Luke. "Where's Rory?"  
  
"Young Judas Iscariot has a student council meeting," said Lorelai bitterly. "She won't be joining us."  
  
"Ah," Luke nodded. "So can we go and just get this over with?"  
  
"Believe me, I want this done with as much as you," said Lorelai as she stepped out and locked the door behind her. She looked at Luke and nodded approvingly. "Nice duds."  
  
"I hate this," said Luke, looking at his clothes. He was wearing a dark blue, long-sleeved collared shirt, and a smart pair of black slacks. "It's suffocating, I feel like I'm burning up, and I'll probably be sweating like a pig before the night's over."  
  
"Well, it's not considered formal if it's not uncomfortable," said Lorelai. "Ooh, a tie would really impress my mother. Do you have a tie?"  
  
"I'm not wearing a tie," said Luke as he walked over to his truck. "And which moron came up with the idea of wearing ties? What, he suddenly thought 'hey, I'll just tie a piece of cloth around my neck'? And don't even get me started on how much they cost these days. It's ridiculous that they would charge you so much for a strip of fabric. You would think the damn things are made out of gold or something."  
  
"Wow, my mom is so going to like you."  
  
"I've met your mom," said Luke. "And while we're on that point, I don't see why she wants to see me again."  
  
"You have to come to Friday night dinner if you intend on being part of the family," said Lorelai. "She pretends it's just a casual, family thing, but actually, its main purpose is interrogation."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure you've seen her around, at the diner, and at Rory's birthday party, and at the hospital, and everything like that," said Lorelai, "But that's all… 'outside'. She wants you on her home turf, where she wields unstoppable power. Basically, it's all about information. She wants it, you give it to her."  
  
"What information?"  
  
"The usual. Your job, your life, your values, your finances, your beliefs, your family, and the million dollar question of what makes you think you're good enough to be part of this elite family. If you answer wrong, she'll pull out your fingernails."  
  
"She can't be that bad."  
  
"A group of her ex-maids have actually set up a support group at the local community center," said Lorelai. "They're having a telethon next week to raise funds. Susan Sarandon is scheduled for a guest appearance. She's very civic conscious."  
  
"Great."  
  
"And also, if you're scared, don't show it," said Lorelai. "She like a dog – if she senses fear, she'll go straight for your throat. Now, normally it would be good to have something to serve as a distraction if she gets too personal. Usually, that's Rory, but since she's not here, we'll have to work out a system of our own."  
  
"How about I light up a flare and fire some tear gas at her."  
  
"Nope. I think that would just infuriate her."  
  
"Will you just get in the truck?" Luke opened the door at the passenger side.  
  
"Such a gentleman," said Lorelai as she climbed in.   
  
Luke slammed the door shut after her, and then climbed in the driver's seat.  
  
*  
  
"So what's our story?"  
  
"Hmm?" Lorelai turned from the window to look at Luke.  
  
"Our story. You said you were going to think of something to tell your mother."  
  
"Oh, yes. Well, I was very creative this morning, so I have two. You tell me which one is better," said Lorelai. "The first one involves you, me and a snowman…"  
  
"What's the other one?"  
  
"I haven't even finished yet. The snowman one is really cool – in the story, I get to wear a cool scarf and everything. And I even found a way to fit in some tobogganing."  
  
"What's with you and tobogganing?"  
  
"Nothing," said Lorelai. "Okay, if you don't like the first story, then you're going to love the second one. But before that, I need to know how you feel about dinosaurs."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Okay! Fine! You caught me. I have nothing!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I couldn't think of anything! I've been trying for the last two days and nothing came up," Lorelai said, agitated. "I watched six romantic comedies and let me tell you, none of the stories seemed like anything my mother would believe. Unless you want to count 'Pretty Woman', but I'm not sure how my mother would react to me being a prostitute, and you being my client."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Will you stop saying that?"  
  
"So basically you're telling me that we're ten minutes from your mother's place," said Luke, "With no story about why we're getting married?"  
  
"Yes, that would be the core point of my rambling."  
  
"Okay," Luke took a deep breath, "We'll just think of something now."  
  
"Good idea," said Lorelai. "Two heads are better than one."  
  
"And if you think about it, we already have most of the basics covered," said Luke. "Because we don't have to think about how we met, or how we know each other, or my job or my background or anything like that."  
  
"Ooh, yes. I have an idea," said Lorelai. "I learnt this exercise at a business seminar once. Apparently, the first idea you have is almost always the best choice. So I'll fire some rapid questions at you, and the first answer you give will be the story we'll use. Quick: When did we start dating?"  
  
"Erm… four months ago."  
  
"Only four months and I agreed to marry you? Wow, I must be easier than I thought."  
  
"Lorelai…"  
  
"Okay. Fine. Four. Why didn't I tell my mother?"  
  
"Because you wanted to see where this was going before you told anyone about it."  
  
"Oh! Good one! Yes. We'll definitely use that. When did you first realize you fell completely in love with me?"  
  
"July sixteenth, 1991."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Erm. Around that time," said Luke, flustered. "1991… ish."  
  
"Ah, so you're using that 'carrying a torch for many years' storyline. Good, very good. Very believable, and gives the story a touch of emotion. Well done, Luke."  
  
"Yeah," said Luke quietly.  
  
*  
  
"There you are," said Emily as she opened the door. "Where is Rory?"  
  
"Rory can't make it," Lorelai explained. "She has something to do at school."  
  
"Well, that's a shame. Your father can't make it either. He had a last minute business trip planned, so he's going to miss this one, I'm afraid." said Emily. She turned to Luke and smiled. "Luke. It's nice to see you again."  
  
"Same here," said Luke. As an afterthought, he added: "Ma'am."  
  
"Oh, please," said Emily, as she ushered them in. "Ma'am makes me feel absolutely ancient. Call me Emily."  
  
"All right," said Luke, nervously, as he adjusted his collar absent mindedly. "Emily."  
  
"There, it sounds better, doesn't it?" said Emily. "I'll go tell Lucy to get the dinner ready." She walked off into the kitchen.  
  
"So far so good?" Lorelai turned to Luke.   
  
"So far so good," Luke echoed, nodding.  
  
"Yes, but this isn't even just the beginning," said Lorelai. "Round one is drinks. That's only where she gets warmed up, but what you really have to be careful off is round two, which is dinner. That's the real danger zone."  
  
"Got it."  
  
"Now, you've got to have the perfect balance of conversation, and quiet reservation," said Lorelai. "You talk too much, she'll get irritated – yours truly being Exhibit A. If you talk too little, she'll think you're rude and anti-social. Both extremes result in the Emily Kiss of Death, so you've got to find a happy medium."  
  
"So basically - don't talk too much, and don't talk too little."  
  
"Yes. And don't forget compliments. She loves compliments."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"And don't insult her."  
  
"Really," said Luke, with sarcasm. "Anything else? Do I need to jump through a burning hoop after dessert or something?"  
  
"If you think it will help, then yes, but she's normally not a big circus fan, so you might want to keep the theatrics to a minimum."  
  
"I was kidding."  
  
"Rule number 732 of the Gilmore House. You never kid," said Lorelai. "Boy, I should have prepped you for this much sooner."  
  
Emily came back in. "Dinner will be ready in a moment. Can I get you two something to drink?"  
  
Lorelai whispered to Luke: "Ladies and gentlemen, round one commencing."  
  
* to be continued * 


	8. Brutal Cage Fight Round 1, Lorelai vs Em...

EIGHT : BRUTAL CAGE FIGHT ROUND ONE, LORELAI VS EMILY  
Emily poured a drink for Luke and Lorelai, before pouring one for herself. She handed the glasses to the two of them, and then took a seat in the cozy armchair in the middle of the room.  
  
"This is nice, isn't it?" Emily remarked nonchalantly as she took a sip of her wine.  
  
"Just dandy," said Lorelai. She took a big gulp from her glass. "Like Disneyland."  
  
Emily ignored her, instead, focusing her attention on Luke. "So, you run the diner in Stars Hollow."  
  
"Yes. Yes, I do."  
  
"That must be pretty interesting."  
  
"It has its moments," Luke said between sips. "And it keeps me out of the red, so that's always a good sign."  
  
"True," Emily nodded. "Now, if you don't mind indulging me, when did the two of you start seeing each other? Lorelai has neglected to pass on this little bit of information. God forbid that her mother know anything about her personal life."  
  
"Wow, did you not realize that I'm sitting right here?" Lorelai said.  
  
"Yes, Lorelai, I did," Emily responded quickly. She turned back to Luke. "She never wants to tell me anything. Did you know that when she got engaged the last time I didn't even get so much as a phone call?"  
  
"Mom, I don't know if you know this, but that horse is pretty much dead. Stop beating it," Lorelai said.   
  
"I was just saying, that it would be nice if I were informed of what was going on in your life. Not that what I feel matters to you."  
  
"That's totally unfair."  
  
"Excuse me if I take a vested interest in how your life is going," said Emily. She turned to Luke again. "You know, some children would kill to have their mothers take an active role in their lives. I only want to know about her life because I care."  
  
"Well, I guess that makes sense," said Luke.  
  
"Whose side are you on?" Lorelai hit the side of his arm. Luke flinched.  
  
"Lorelai, stop hitting your fiancé. He's not doing anything wrong," said Emily. "On the contrary, he is doing what any rational person would do – agree with me."  
  
"Are you agreeing with my mother?" Lorelai hit him again.  
  
"Stop hitting me," said Luke, rubbing the side of his arm, "And I wasn't saying anything. I just said it made sense, that's all."  
  
"So you agree with me," said Emily.  
  
"Well …" Luke tried to continue.  
  
"Hah! So you are on her side after all," said Lorelai. "I can't believe you."  
  
"Lorelai, this isn't a war. There aren't any 'sides'. But clearly, if there were, Luke would be on mine," Emily said, with a smirk that only Lorelai caught.  
  
"Can I change my answer?" Luke asked.  
  
"Yes, you should," said Lorelai, taking another big gulp of her wine. She finished the glass in three seconds. "Because, if you should ever have to take a side, it should be mine. Not my mother's."  
  
"Okay, fine. I take your side," said Luke, in frustration. "Sorry, Emily."  
  
"That's perfectly fine," said Emily, good-naturedly. "You'll have to get used to that if you intend to marry her."  
  
"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked Lorelai.  
  
"It means exactly what it sounds like," Emily brushed aside Lorelai's question quickly, before she changed the topic. "Now, maybe you two would like to tell me about when the two of you started dating. I'm sure it's a very interesting story."  
  
Luke and Lorelai exchanged a look. In their hurry, neither of them had prepared a conclusive story about their first date, or the circumstances that brought it.   
  
"Oh, you don't want to hear about that," Lorelai said quickly. "It's a pretty uninteresting story. Almost boring actually. In fact, it is boring. Like a documentary. Or filling in your taxes. Or accounting."  
  
"Don't be ridiculous, Lorelai," Emily said. "I want to hear all about it. Unless of course, you don't want to tell me, and would rather wait ten years or so before I actually find out a speck of information about your love life and the man you're about to marry."  
  
"Ugh, no fair playing that card again."  
  
"It's the hand I've been dealt with," said Emily. She put her hands together excitedly. "So, when exactly did the two of you start dating?"  
  
"Four months ago," Luke responded, almost mechanically. Finally, there was a question that they had prepared an answer to.  
  
"And," Lorelai added, "We didn't tell anyone about it because it was still new, and we wanted to see how it turned out before we let other people know about it. Which explains why I didn't tell you about us sooner. So you can't blame me anymore. Hah."  
  
"Actually, Lorelai, the fact that you accepted his proposal implied that things had to have been going well before this, which means you actually should have told me about the two of you much earlier," said Emily. "But who's keeping track?"  
  
Lorelai shot her mother a deadly glare.  
  
Emily ignored her again. "So, tell me, what was your first date like? It must have been romantic."  
  
"Erm," Lorelai racked her brains to think of a good story. "Yes, it was."  
  
"We… had dinner at my diner," Luke responded, almost immediately.  
  
Lorelai looked at him. "What?"  
  
Luke gave her a helpless look that indicated that it was the only thing he could come up with at such short notice. "Yeah. I made you that dish. The one that you liked."  
  
"Oh, right," Lorelai looked at her mom and then back at Luke. "That dish."  
  
"What was it?" Emily asked.  
  
"French," Lorelai shot out quickly.  
  
Unfortunately, at the same time, Luke responded: "Italian."  
  
They both looked at each other in panic. Emily gave them a puzzled look, and Lorelai fumbled over her words. "Ah… um… yeah. That French-Italian dish. Fusion food. Yum."  
  
"Fusion food?" Emily asked. "I must admit I've never heard of a French-Italian dish before, but maybe you can give me a sample one of these days, Luke."  
  
"Sure," said Luke, now wondering how on earth was he going to come up with a French-Italian dish that would not check Emily into a hospital for food poisoning. "If I can remember the recipe."  
  
"Oh, I'm sure you do. It wouldn't do to forget Lorelai's favorite dish. Maybe you could even get the caterers to serve it at the wedding," said Emily. "While we're at it, have you two set a date yet?"  
  
"Well, not exactly," said Lorelai. "We're still thinking about it."  
  
"You let me know the time frame," said Emily. "I'll try to book the club. It'll be great. They have a beautiful ballroom, and if you want, I can also recommend an excellent caterer. I have his number somewhere."  
  
"I don't think that will be necessary," Luke said, suddenly. "I mean, thank you for offering, but I really think that a small wedding is more of our kind of thing."  
  
"That's perfectly fine," said Emily. "I understand."  
  
"And maybe I could get Sookie to help out with the catering," said Luke, "Or not, I could handle most of it myself."  
  
"You can't cater at our wedding," said Lorelai. "You'll have so much to do, like dressing up and memorizing the beautiful vows you wrote for me."  
  
"We have to write our own vows?" Luke sounded incredulous. He was not fond of expressing himself in public, and to him there was nothing more horrifying than the thought of reading out some mushy sentimental piece of prose in front of all his friends and family.  
  
"Yes we do," said Lorelai. "I already have mine all sketched out. It's a limerick that sounds like a poem. So we have humor, as well as class."  
  
"Good grief," said Emily.  
  
"Can't we just say 'I do' and get it over with?" Luke said.  
  
Lorelai gasped. "Ugh. Men. Just like you to reduce the most romantic day of our life into a cold, emotionless piece of steel."  
  
"Hey, I'm not the one with all the limericks."  
  
"Yeah, and I'm trying to see if I can work in a puppet show," said Lorelai. "We'll see how that goes."  
  
"I'm sure it will go great," Emily said dryly. She decided to change the topic to a much more interesting one: "How about children? Have you decided about that yet?"  
  
Luke and Lorelai looked at each other again. Once again, they were caught off guard, and they didn't know how to answer that.  
  
"Well, mom, we haven't really talked about it," said Lorelai.  
  
"I don't know, I would like to have kids," said Luke suddenly. Lorelai looked at him, and for a moment she couldn't tell if he was serious, or if he was just merely playing along.  
  
"Oh, that's wonderful," said Emily, clasping her hands in joy.  
  
"Really, Luke?" asked Lorelai, still unsure of what to make of this whole scenario. "I mean, what about all that stuff about kids and their jam hands, and their crying, and …"  
  
"Well, we can always stop eating jam," said Luke, "And I think I can handle a little crying. I don't know. I know I haven't exactly been very child-friendly, but I think having a kid might be great."  
  
Lorelai was surprised. It was odd hearing Luke talk like that, as if they were really in love, and that as if it was really a viable option for the two of them. She was about to say something in response, when the maid walked in. "Dinner is ready, ma'am."  
  
"Good," said Emily as she got up. "Come on. We don't want it to get cold. Luke, I hope you like chicken, because I told Lucy to make her famous grilled chicken in garlic."  
  
"Sounds great," said Luke.  
  
The three of them walked into the dining room.  
  
* to be continued *  
  
A/N 1: What's next for our happy Lorelai and Luke? Will they ever get their act together? Or are they doomed to play a mating dance for the next three hundred or so years? Let's find out... together. Man, that was corny. Even for me.   
  
A/N 2: Okay, so I just watched "They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?" again, and I noticed Jackson's "Strange Man" quote seemed rather familiar to the joke that appeared in the first chapter of "Things I Learnt from Jackie Chan".... which was written two whole months before the episode aired. Aha, more proof that it is my sole destiny to become a Gilmore Girls scriptwriter. I'm gonna write an angry letter to ASP threatening to sue unless she gives me a job. There would be much more L/L on the TV if I had a job there. Grr. 


	9. Who Wants To Marry A Monster's Daughter?

NINE: WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MONSTER'S DAUGHTER?  
  
A/N: Oh, I've neglected to point out the nature of Ross and Jess' relationship in this fic. To tell you the truth, I left it up in the air so I could play around with it to fit my plot better. Let's just say right now that they are kind of in a relationship, but it's going through a rough time, and they pretty much know that Jess is gonna leave Stars Hollow to be with his father. Or something.  
There was an awkward silence that surrounded the dinner table. The three of them had been staring blankly at each other, and now that they had all finished their salads, there was nothing left for them to divert their attention.  
  
"So," Emily put her hands together, finally breaking the long silence. "The two of you haven't told me where you plan to live after you get married."  
  
"Well, we haven't really discussed that yet," said Lorelai.  
  
"You don't seem to have discussed a lot of things," Emily said, curtly. "Really, Lorelai, you have no idea how important it is to plan these things out. And I really don't think the diner is big enough for the two of you."  
  
"I don't actually live *in* the diner," said Luke. "I live above it."  
  
"I've seen the building, it's not big enough," said Emily.   
  
"Well then, he'll just have to move in with Rory and me," replied Lorelai. "There. Problem solved."  
  
"What about that boy?" Emily asked.  
  
"What boy?"  
  
"The boy. Jess."  
  
"Oh," said Lorelai. "We're planning to sell him to a Russian couple who can't conceive. Unless you want him."  
  
"Lorelai, be serious," said Emily. "And isn't he dating Rory?"  
  
"Well, I wouldn't really say that they are. It's a very long story," said Lorelai. "Full of twist and turns, and a surprising if not heartbreaking epilogue."  
  
"You can't have Rory date her stepfather's nephew," Emily insisted. "What will people say? You can't allow that."  
  
"And that's where that Russian couple come in," said Lorelai. "We ship him off Tuesday. It's amazing what you can do on eBay."  
  
"I'm glad you're taking the reputation of our family seriously," said Emily. She looked at her watch and got up. "Oh, for heaven's sake! Is it too much to ask that the main course be served before everyone here dies of starvation?" She walked briskly off to the kitchen.  
  
"The execution will be held in the town square tomorrow at noon. The poor maid," Lorelai noted. She turned to Luke. "This is going well, isn't it?"  
  
"I guess," Luke shrugged.   
  
"I think it's going great," said Lorelai. "Of course, we won't really know for sure until much latter, when we see whether my mother gives me the 'What on earth were you thinking?' speech. Hey, when the food comes, let me cut your chicken."  
  
"What?" Luke looked genuinely puzzled.  
  
"Let me cut your chicken," Lorelai repeated. "I was thinking about it, and I realized that every couple has a 'thing', and we don't. You know, like Angelina and Billy Bob had that blood in a vial thing, and Ben and Jennifer have that 'yeah, right, that's gonna last' thing. So I decided that our 'thing' is going to be that I cut your food for you."  
  
"I can do that without your help."  
  
"Oh, I know you can," said Lorelai. "But that's not the point. The point is, we look really cute if we do it. It looks like we really care about each other. And… it's cute!"  
  
"I don't want to look cute."  
  
"No, it's going to be fun," said Lorelai. "And it gives me a chance to show off my maternal instincts."  
  
"Then go cut Rory's chicken."  
  
"Rory isn't here," said Lorelai. "And I told you, this is our couple's thing. We need to have a thing!"  
  
"Can't our thing be a mutual respect and acknowledgement for each other's ability to use eating utensils on their own?"  
  
"Well, it's either this or square dancing. And I've seen you dance, we don't want to go there."  
  
"When have you ever seen me dance?"  
  
"That time… at that place… at that thing. You had your arms in the air, there was music everywhere. You know what, it's not important," said Lorelai. "What's really important is our thing."  
  
"Lorelai, I can cut my meat on my own."  
  
"Ooh, it sounds so naughty when you say it," said Lorelai. "Hehe."  
  
"Will you stop that?"  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
"Stop turning everything I say into a sexual innuendo."  
  
"I don't do that."  
  
"Yes, you do."  
  
"Maybe you think I do," said Lorelai, "Because you have a dirty mind. You corrupt my words with your filthy brain."  
  
"I do not have a dirty mind," Luke retorted. "And you're not touching my mea…chicken."  
  
"It still sounds dirty," Lorelai giggled. "I say, you really need to wash your mouth out."  
  
"Ladies first."  
  
Lorelai was about to respond when Emily came charging back into the room. She sighed as she sat down. "I tell you, that woman needs to be kicked in the head before she'll do anything right."  
  
Lorelai paused. "You didn't actually kick her in the head, did you?"  
  
"What?" Emily looked shocked. "Of course not."  
  
"Oh, okay. It's just that after that incident in '84, I'm not sure when you're being literal." Lorelai turned to Luke. "Amnesty International was involved and everything."  
  
"Stop exaggerating, Lorelai," Emily said, clearly annoyed. "I really don't know where you come up with all these fantasies."  
  
"From years of repression, probably," said Lorelai.  
  
The maid came in hurriedly, carrying the food. She looked frightened as she placed the plates on the table, giving Emily one terrified look before scampering back into the kitchen.  
  
"She looked scared," Lorelai noted.  
  
"And she should be," Emily said. "I wouldn't have to reprimand them if they knew how to do their job."  
  
"But nobody can do their job the way you want them to," said Lorelai. "It's almost a scientific fact. I have charts and everything."  
  
"I had no idea it was impossible to serve dinner on time," said Emily. "Or to answer the door when the doorbell rings. Or to answer the telephone, for that matter."  
  
"Hmm, the chicken looks greats," said Luke, trying to change the topic.  
  
"Oh, let me cut that for you, honey," Lorelai said sweetly, as she leaned over with her fork and knife.  
  
"I'm fine," said Luke, trying to push his plate out of Lorelai's reach. He added another word with a slight tinge of annoyance: "Honey."  
  
"But I always do this for you, *honey*," said Lorelai, grabbing his plate and planting her fork into his piece of chicken. "It's our thing, remember, sweetie?"  
  
"I thought our thing was square dancing," Luke deadpanned.  
  
"That's our other thing," said Lorelai, as she started on his chicken. However, she was a little too enthusiastic, and ended splattering some of the gravy on Luke's shirt.  
  
"Ah, geez," Luke said as he pulled back, looking at the stain on his shirt.  
  
"I'm sorry," Lorelai said to Luke. "That was one slippery piece of chicken."  
  
"Oh, yes, I'm sure the chicken is to blame," said Emily.  
  
"It's fine," said Luke, getting up. He turned to Emily. "I'll just go and clean this up, it won't be too bad if I get to it fast. Which way's the bathroom?"  
  
"Upstairs, second door on your left," said Emily.   
  
"Thanks." Luke got up and walked towards the staircase.  
  
"Really sorry, honey!" Lorelai called out to him as he left.   
  
"Well, that certainly was entertaining," said Emily. "But I guess I'm lucky considering you didn't send the whole plate flying across the room."  
  
"It was an accident," said Lorelai indignantly. "I didn't do it on purpose. It's not asparagus."  
  
"So," Emily started to change the subject. "He seems like a very nice man."  
  
"He is."  
  
"But don't you think you're rushing things a little? You've only been seeing each other for a few months."  
  
"Oh, I knew it."  
  
"You knew what, Lorelai"  
  
"It's the speech, isn't it?" Lorelai said. "You're going to tell me I'm making a mistake, that it's going to turn out horribly, and I'm going to regret it. That's what you were going to do, weren't you?"  
  
"Lorelai, don't be silly," said Emily. "I just wanted you to know that marriage is not something you rush into. Now, it's not that I don't approve of him - I know you love this man and it may seem like the right thing to do now, but I don't want you going through with something that you might regret. As much as you'd like to think otherwise, I actually do not want to see you get hurt."  
  
"I'm not going to get hurt, mom. I know what I'm doing," said Lorelai. "But if you don't like him, you can just say so."  
  
"Wherever would you get that idea?" Emily looked surprised. "I think he's an absolutely charming young man."  
  
"Really?" It was Lorelai's turn to be surprised. "This isn't like some kind of code you're using, right?"  
  
"I think he is wonderful," said Emily. "Looks like we can finally agree on something, don't you think?"  
  
*  
  
"So, what did your mother say about me while I was gone?" Luke asked, as they were on their way home.   
  
Lorelai tapped on the dashboard absent mindedly. "What makes you think we were talking about you, Mr. Ego?"  
  
"Intuition," said Luke, tapping his forehead. "Plus, the really obvious way you switched the topic to Justin Timberlake when I walked in kind of tipped me off."  
  
"Ugh," Lorelai turned to him, "You must be really self-centered to think that this whole night was about you."  
  
"What can I say, I crave attention," Luke said, giving her a small smile before looking back at the road. "What did she say?"  
  
"I'm not really sure of her exact words, but I think one of us has to fight her in Thunderdome next week."  
  
"Well, it has to be you, because I'm busy next week."  
  
"Fine. You probably couldn't take her anyway," said Lorelai. "And on an unrelated note, you'll be happy to know you have officially earned the Emily Gilmore seal of approval. Your certificate is on its way."  
  
"Really? I'm going to frame that one."  
  
"You did great," said Lorelai. "She did not have one negative thing to say about you. And considering the fact that we're talking about my mother, I suggest we get ready for the end of the world, because frankly, something has gone terribly wrong."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Oh, it's not you," said Lorelai. "It's just that my mother is so critical, the very fact that she had nothing bad to say about you is like a miracle. It's like, the world is finally at balance. You are the yin to her yang."  
  
"I thought you said the world was coming to an end."  
  
"Don't nitpick," said Lorelai. "Bottom line is, she likes you. And, she even said that that gravy splattering thing was my fault, not yours."  
  
"It was your fault."  
  
"She's just taking your side," said Lorelai. "And while we're on that topic, we really have to find a new thing. Cutting meat just doesn't cut it. Haha. Get it?"  
  
"How about we make our 'thing' a comfortable silence?"  
  
"Nope, that would be unnatural," said Lorelai. She paused for a moment, and then turned to him. "Luke?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Of all the people that I could have gotten involved in a shame marriage with, I'm kind of glad that I'm doing it with you."  
  
"Thanks," said Luke. He sneaked a glance at her out of the corner of his eye. "I'm glad it's you, too."  
  
"Cool," said Lorelai, leaning back. "Now, what are we going to name our kids?"  
  
*   
  
to be continued!  
next time, on "Where There's A Will, There's No Diner"  
  
- Sookie gets drunk and deep-fries Lane. The Kim family mourns.  
- Michel leaves his job to become a go-go dancer, stage name Chocolate God.  
- Rory drops out of Chilton in her attempt to become the Next American Idol  
- Paris changes her name to Tokyo, Japanese tourists get confused.  
- More tobogganing, because I can't get enough of that word!  
- And a lot more fun stuff! Don't miss it! 


	10. Lorelai In The Bed She Made

TEN: LORELAI IN THE BED SHE MADE  
  
A/N: First off, I'd just like to say a few things. In the Author's Note of Chapter Nine, I said "Ross" when I really meant Rory. I guess this is what I get for watching too much of "Friends". Hehe, Ross & Jess. Bad imagery. Also, later, Lorelai says "shame" marriage, when she really means "sham" marriage. Of course, it could be construed as a Freudian slip, because, aren't all sham marriages really marriages of shame anyway? I'm very deep today. Anyways, back to your regularly scheduled Java Junkie goodness. Tobogganing. Yup. Still love that word. Tobogganing, tobogganing, tobogganing. Try and stop me!  
  
**  
  
"Ah, thanks a lot," said Lorelai as she opened the passenger door to his truck and stepped down. Luke turned off the engine, and followed her out. She turned to him when she heard the engine shut down.   
  
"Thought I'd walk you to your door," said Luke, characteristically shoving his hands into his pockets.  
  
"And they say chivalry is dead," Lorelai replied with a short laugh. "You really don't have to. I can assure you that I can make it across the ten feet or so between here and my front door safely."  
  
"Nah, I don't mind."  
  
"Okay, but I warn you, it can be terribly uninteresting," she said as they started walking across her front garden to the porch steps.  
  
"It's okay. I'm not doing it for the action."  
  
"Good," said Lorelai, "Because I'm not putting out."   
  
"I didn't mean it like that," Luke said, trying to hide the fact that his face was suddenly turning a deeper shade of red. "It's just that you said…"  
  
"I'm just kidding," Lorelai said, poking her finger against his cheek. "I don't know why you take things so seriously."  
  
"You think everything's a joke," he answered, trying to swat away her finger which seemed preoccupied in prodding his left cheek. "Stop that."  
  
"Aw. All right," said Lorelai, giving up for the moment. She turned around and leaned against her front door. "Hey, you want to come in for a while? You could make me a cup of coffee."  
  
"Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? What with me being the guest and everything."  
  
"Normal rules of courtesy don't apply in the Gilmore household," said Lorelai. "And one of our rules is that when one entertains a guest who is more proficient in the art of coffee making than the host, it is customary that said guest provide the coffee. It's very simple."  
  
"It's very arbitrary."  
  
"You're just jaded and cynical. So, what do you say?"  
  
Luke shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He had gone back to putting his hands in his pockets. He wanted to stay, but a part of him told him that things would remain a lot less complicated if he didn't. "I don't know. It is getting rather late."  
  
"Okay," said Lorelai. She was not sure if she was disappointed, but she was quite certain she wasn't thrilled that he turned down the offer. "But don't say I didn't ask."  
  
"Yeah. I ought to be heading back," Luke motioned to his truck, as if to add to the effect that he had to leave. He turned to go.  
  
"Hey, Luke?" Lorelai called out. "I just thought I'd let you know that, this is possibly the first time that Friday night dinner didn't end with me having thoughts of suicide."  
  
"You say that like it's a bad thing."  
  
"I don't know," said Lorelai, "But if I bring you to enough dinners I might actually start liking the whole thing, and I'm not sure if I want that happening." She gave him a small smile that made Luke want to kiss her.  
  
He didn't, but just nodded in return. "That's what you get for marrying me. Good night, Lorelai."  
  
"Good night, Luke."  
  
*  
  
"Rory!" Lorelai nudged her sleeping daughter, who merely grunted in response. She pushed her harder. "Rory!"  
  
Rory begrudgingly sat up, clearly irritated at having her sleep disrupted. "What?"  
  
"Why are you sleeping?"  
  
"Because I'm wild and uninhibited."  
  
"It's 10.30."  
  
"Well, I got bored of waiting for you to come back," Rory rubbed her eyes groggily. "And spending any amount of time with Paris is more exhausting than I can remember. Why did you wake me up? When I'm fully conscious I'm going to start hating you."  
  
"I want to tell you about dinner."  
  
"And this startling news couldn't wait until tomorrow morning?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Fine," Rory sighed, blinking several times. "I'm seeing spots for some reason, but carry on."  
  
"Get this – your grandmother loves Luke."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"She said he was charming and wonderful. I think she likes him more than me."  
  
"At this moment – so do I."  
  
"Evil," said Lorelai. "And also, for the first time in like forever, I actually didn't have to check for aneurysms when I came back."  
  
"So it was good."  
  
"It was quite good."  
  
"You do realize that it's kind of ironic, don't you?"  
  
"Say what, Alanis?"  
  
"I'm still rather sleepy, so this isn't exactly one of my more profound moments," Rory began, "But it looks like the one time Grandma actually approves of something you do, that thing just happens to be a fake marriage to a man you're not in love with just so you can help him inherit some property - an arrangement she knows nothing about."  
  
"What's your point?  
  
"My point is," said Rory, "Is that, Grandma's approval is actually based on nothing but a web of lies and deceit."  
  
"Where's your crown, drama queen?"  
  
"I'm serious. How do you think Grandma's going to react when she finds out the truth?"  
  
"She won't, because I have a plan."  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"My plan is that she doesn't find out."  
  
"That's not a plan," said Rory. "That's an objective."  
  
"Okay, whatever," Lorelai climbed into bed with Rory and pulled the covers around her. "Can I ask you a personal question?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. It's not like I had anything else to do, like, oh, say, sleep."  
  
"Let it go already," said Lorelai. "Are you really, honestly okay with this? I mean, me and Luke getting married. I mean, with you and Jess -"  
  
"I still think you should have thought it through," said Rory, "But I'm fine. Jess and I are pretty much over, I think. What with him leaving and everything."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's not your fault," said Rory. "But aside from the thousand ways I can imagine this arrangement to go terribly wrong, I really don't mind. It might be fun, having Luke a stepfather for a while. Do you think I can get him to give me an allowance?"  
  
"He'll probably pay you in flannel shirts."  
  
"I think I'll pass on the extra allowance, then," Rory leaned back and rested her head on her pillow. "Have you thought about whether you'll take his name?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Which one do you want to use – Lorelai Gilmore-Danes, or just Lorelai Danes?"  
  
"Are you kidding me?"  
  
"Well, if you are going to get married, you have to think about these things," Rory replied bluntly. "I like Lorelai Gilmore-Danes better. It sounds more official. Very stately."  
  
"Really?" Lorelai held her hand up and looked at the engagement ring on her finger. "Hello, I am Lorelai Gilmore-Danes. I am Mrs. Danes. Mrs. Luke Danes. Hmmm."  
  
Rory turned to look at her mother, wondering if she was seriously contemplating the options. "I was just kidding, you know."  
  
Lorelai didn't seem to hear her for a while - but instead seemed more mesmerized in the ring, and the thoughts that were running through her head. "Huh? Oh yeah, sure. Me too. Hey, I'll let you get back to sleep. Good night."  
  
"Thank you. Good night," said Rory, closing her eyes. After several moments, she opened them again. "Mom?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Go sleep in your own bed."  
  
*  
  
Lorelai and Rory walked briskly across the town as they headed towards Luke's. Lorelai was holding a large yellow folder. "You know, for a person who went to bed before 10.30 last night, you seemed pretty sloth-like this morning when I woke you up."  
  
"No fair," said Rory, "You interrupted my sleep last night with your rambling."  
  
"Yeah, well, time and tide waits for no man, and we're as busy as the day is long. Whatever that means. Why do they say that, anyway?"  
  
"Say what?"  
  
"That whole 'as the day is long' thing. What do they mean? Night is as long as day, so why don't they say 'as the night is long'? What if it's winter? The days are pretty short, then. What if I said "we're as busy as the day is long' in winter?"  
  
"I never thought I'd say this, but you think too much."  
  
"You're as mean as the night is long," Lorelai swung open the door to the diner, as the bell above it jingled. "Language mysteries aside, we have lots of stuff to do. And God, that bell is irritating.."  
  
"Ask your husband to take it off then," said Rory as she sat down at a nearby table.   
  
"He's not my husband," said Lorelai indignantly, "He's my fiancé. There's a difference."  
  
"Okay," said Rory. "Where is your fiancé anyway?"  
  
"Probably in the kitchen with Dinah. Or the storage room or something," said Lorelai. "I'll go get him. What do you want for breakfast?"  
  
"Chocolate chip pancakes!"  
  
"All right. That sounded a little too enthusiastic, but whatever," Lorelai said, getting up. She took her folder with her and walked towards the storage room. She was about to enter when Luke came out, carrying a box.  
  
"Hey," he said to her casually, as he walked behind the counter and put the box down.  
  
"Hi," Lorelai said, following him. "Rory and I would like our chocolate chip pancakes today. And of course, our coffee."  
  
"Okay. Hey, I told you you're not allowed behind the counter."  
  
"Well, since I'm marrying you, technically half of this counter is mine."  
  
"Nothing a pre-nuptial agreement can't fix."  
  
"Yeah. I would go back to the front of the counter to talk to you, but that's just a waste of time, so I'm going to ignore your 'no-entry to the back of the counter' rule. We have lots of work to do today. I just love saying that. It makes me sound so busy and official," She put the yellow folder on the counter.  
  
"What's that?" Luke pointed to it.  
  
"Ah, that my friend, is what we're about to do," said Lorelai. She flipped it open. "We have that whole wedding stuff to plan."  
  
"Wedding stuff? As in the ceremony?"  
  
"No, when I say wedding it's actually code for the Grieco-Roman mud wrestling tournament I'm hosting. Of course I mean the ceremony. Now, there are several things I want to run through with you first. I've gone through several bridal magazines, listed down options for floral arrangements, decorations …"  
  
"Ah, Lorelai," Luke put his hands behind his head. "I'm not really good at all that kind of stuff, so you know, why don't you just pick what you like and show me the bill."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just get whatever you want, I don't mind."  
  
"I'm sorry, but did I just hear you say that you want to have no input whatsoever regarding our wedding, and that you'll let me make all the decisions just like that?"  
  
"Erm. Yeah."  
  
"Oh, my god, are you for real?" Lorelai nearly squealed. "You're like a dream fiancé. If I didn't want to marry you before, I definitely would want to now."  
  
"Is this really such a big deal for you?" Luke asked, flipping through the folder, amazed at the vast amount of information stored inside. He was also secretly pleased that at how Lorelai was gushing over him.  
  
"Are you kidding? The wedding is like the most important thing in a woman's life," said Lorelai. "We dream about it as children. We spend our whole lives fantasizing about it."  
  
"That's not true, is it?"  
  
"Okay. It's an exaggeration," said Lorelai. "But it's really important, and I can't believe you're just handing me the reins like that. This is so cool."  
  
"Well, it's the least I can do, considering the fact you actually agreed to marry me."  
  
"Aw, that's so sweet," said Lorelai. "But it's your wedding too, and it just wouldn't feel right if it were all about me."  
  
"All right, I'll go through some of the stuff with you later," Luke said, "But the minute it gets too girly I'm out of there. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go make your pancakes. And your coffee."  
  
"Thank you," said Lorelai. She walked back to her table. She took a seat next to Rory. "Luke is the best phony fiancé ever."  
  
"Why?" Rory asked, genuinely interested.  
  
"He was going to let me plan the wedding exactly how I want it," said Lorelai, "I mean, wow. Talk about your dream guy."  
  
"Erm, mom?" Rory poised her next question gingerly. "You're not actually wishing that you were marrying him for real, are you?"  
  
"What? Don't be ridiculous," Lorelai said. "I'm just saying, hypothetically, that if this were a real marriage, it would be very nice, that's all."  
  
"Okay, cause for a moment there you seemed like you …"  
  
"I wasn't."  
  
"Yeah, okay, I just …"  
  
"I wasn't," said Lorelai, defensively. "I think your lack of sleep has made you demented. You should be institutionalized."  
  
"If that happens you only have yourself to blame," replied Rory, "So, what exactly is in that magical yellow folder?"  
  
"Ah," said Lorelai. "The secret to marital bliss. Inside this folder, you will find literally thousands upon thousands of cut-outs from various bridal magazines, depicting what will be the perfect wedding ceremony."  
  
"Ooh."  
  
"Yes, 'ooh' indeed, my child. 'Ooh' indeed. Now, we lucked out because Sookie agreed to cater for us, bless that kind soul," said Lorelai, "So that means we have one thing less to do."  
  
"Hmm, did you actually tell Sookie, though?"  
  
"Tell her what?"  
  
"About you and Luke."  
  
"Well, when I asked her to cater for Luke's and my wedding, I think there is an implied statement that we are getting married."  
  
"No, I meant about the 'real' circumstances."  
  
"Oh, actually, I didn't," said Lorelai. "I really wanted to, but then I figured the less people that know about it the better. Don't want the whole town going crazy with rumors."  
  
"They aren't really rumors if they're true."  
  
"You know I'm beginning to regret getting you that dictionary when you were a kid. It's really not paying off."  
  
"So you didn't tell Sookie?"  
  
"Bottom line – no," said Lorelai. "I guess I'll tell her when the time's right, but not right now. You should have seen how excited she was when I told her. At first she was kind of angry that I didn't tell her that Luke and I were even dating each other, but she channeled her anger at the pizza she was making, so she worked through it and now she's extremely happy. The pizza didn't turn out so good, though, but that's another story."  
  
"Aww. I always get upset with stories that have a bad pizza ending," Rory sighed. "So, floral arrangements…"  
  
*   
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
next time on "Where There's A Will, There's No Diner":  
  
- Marilyn Manson guest stars, and scares the crap out of everybody in Stars Hollow. Except for Jess.  
- Rory finds a leprechaun in her garden and decides to become Irish. She does not find a pot of gold and kills the leprechaun in a blind rage.  
- A mysterious stranger called Tristan reenters Rory's life and tells her he never stopped thinking about her in military school, and blah blah blah insert generic Trory plot line here.  
- Samurais take over Stars Hollow in a fantastic cross-cultural experience! WOO! Luke takes up ninjustu to combat the new threat. 


	11. The Man With The Sword Is Not A Movie

ELEVEN: THE MAN WITH THE SWORD IS NOT A MOVIE   
"Luke!" Lorelai screeched as she entered the diner. The bell jingled above her and she glared at it. "You really have to do something about the bell, it's pissing me off."  
  
"I use it to tell me when you're coming so I can hide," Luke said from behind the counter. "What do you want?"  
  
"Is that any way to talk to your beautiful fiancé?"  
  
"Your right. I should be ruder."  
  
"You're hopeless," said Lorelai, as she walked behind the counter to talk to him. "And not a word about the behind-the-counter rule. We don't have time for that, we have to go."  
"I'm cleaning," said Luke, pointing to a dirty rag on the counter to emphasize his point. "Where do we have to go, anyway?"  
  
"Engagement party."  
  
"Whose?"  
  
"Ours."  
  
"I didn't know we had an engagement party."  
  
"Oh, we didn't," said Lorelai, "I was supposed to tell you this earlier, but I think I was distracted by something shiny and I forgot. Babette was supposed to throw me a bridal shower, but then she and Miss Patty thought it over and they decided that an 'engagement party' would be better, since then you and the other guys could come along."  
  
"By other guys, do you mean Taylor and Kirk?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'm cleaning," Luke picked up the rag and started wiping the counter. "Tell them thanks anyway."  
  
Lorelai slapped him lightly on the arm, and he stopped wiping to glare at her. "You can't expect me to go stag to my own engagement party! What kind of message would that send out?"  
  
"That I'm cleaning."  
  
"Will you stop with the cleaning," Lorelai snatched the rag from his hands and threw it across the room. It landed neatly on one of the tables by the counter. "Come on, the party hasn't started yet, you haven't missed a thing."  
  
"I don't wanna."  
  
"Did I just hear you say 'wanna'?"  
  
"I don't want to," Luke stressed the last word. "I'm not really a party kind of person, and I'm always a little skeptical about any functions Miss Patty had a hand in organizing."  
  
"It'll be fun," said Lorelai. "There'll be games."  
  
"If that is how you intend to persuade me, let me just save you time and tell you that you chose the wrong method."  
  
"What is the right method, then?" Lorelai asked, "A little striptease? Sexy dance on your counter here?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing," said Lorelai. She tugged on his shirt. "Come on, please. If you don't come, people will point fingers at me and laugh. They'll go 'oh, look, you know, there's that poor woman who couldn't get her own fiancé to attend their engagement party', and then I'll be ashamed and my whole family's name will be ruined and Rory will never be able to get good credit anywhere."  
  
"Which will no doubt bring about the end of the world," said Luke sarcastically. "And I still don't want to go. Why do you have to go?"  
  
"Erm, hello, because the party's for me."  
  
"I thought it was for us."  
  
"Why do you care, you're not going."  
  
"I'm not, and if you don't want to go alone, then why don't you just skip it all together?"  
  
Lorelai gasped. "Skip it? Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how many presents I'll be missing out on? There's a rumor going on that someone might have bought us a big screen television."  
  
"Then go."  
  
"But I'll be alone."  
  
"You'll have Rory."  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure, that's cool. 'Look, townsfolk, it's the poor woman who is so pathetic that her daughter had to accompany her to her own engagement party because her fiancé bailed. Let's throw assorted fruits and vegetables at her! Yahhh!'."  
  
"Well, you could do to eat more fruits and vegetables anyhow."  
  
"Come on, Luke," she pulled on his shirt some more as she begged. "I'll give you five dollars."  
  
"Five whole dollars? For real? Gee, whiz, maybe I finally can get that brand new bike I was hopin' for."  
  
"Fine. You don't want five dollars? I'll buy you a pony. And a mocking bird. And everything else in that song about the person that got the mocking bird and it wouldn't sing, and there's a mirror and a goat somewhere there too, I think. I'll get you a goat. You want a goat?"  
  
"Okay, fine," Luke swatted her hands away. "I'll go with you. But only for a while, and then we high-tail out of there."  
  
"It's being held at my house."  
  
"Fine - then *I'll* high-tail out of there," Luke walked out from behind the counter, Lorelai following him closely. "But if Miss Patty pulls something funny, I'm holding you personally responsible."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, pushing him out of the diner, "Hehe. I knew you would crumble sooner or later."  
  
"I didn't crumble," Luke insisted indignantly, "I'm just doing this because I didn't want you begging and tearing my shirt to pieces with your constant tugging."  
  
"Begging and tearing your clothes? So naughty!"  
  
"I told you to stop that."  
  
"I can't help it if everything you said has such a dirty context," said Lorelai, "I'm totally innocent. Can't blame me."  
  
"Actually, I can, and I am."  
  
"Let's just get going," said Lorelai, "I don't want to miss Miss Patty's opening dance number. I hear there's oil, snakes, and a possibility of audience participation."  
  
"God," Luke groaned.  
  
*  
  
"Time for another game!" Sookie said excitedly.  
  
"Another game?" Luke asked in disbelief. "You know, it's getting late, and I …"  
  
"One more game before we get to the best part of the evening – opening the presents," said Sookie, "Oh, I'm so excited. It's not my party and I'm excited. I wonder what stuff you're going to get."  
  
Luke looked to Lorelai helplessly.  
  
"What game are we playing?" Rory asked.  
  
"One of my favorites," said Sookie. She whipped out a stack of small, cardboard cards from nowhere. "Modified Pictionary, complete with customized rules and regulations! I'll go get the board and markers."  
  
"Modified Pictionary?" Rory echoed. "Cool!"  
  
Luke tried to stifle another groan. Lorelai nudged him.  
  
Sookie came back with the items required for the game. "Now, we'll play this in teams of two. Lorelai and Luke, naturally, the two of you are in the same team."  
  
"Wooo!" Lorelai said excitedly. "We'll kick ass!"  
  
Luke tried to sink further into the couch, but found out it was strangely impossible.  
  
"Now, since we can't have too many people playing, there'll just be three other teams. Rory and I will be on one team, Babette and Miss Patty on the other, and Taylor and Kirk forming the last team."  
  
"I'm allergic to the markers," Kirk pointed out. "May I use an ordinary pen instead?"  
  
Sookie decided to ignore him. She placed the stack of cards on the table in the middle of the room. "Lorelai and Luke, you guys are up first. The first round will be movies. Luke, grab a card and a marker, and let's start!" She clapped her hands excitedly and sat down.  
  
Luke looked at Lorelai. "Do I have to?"  
  
"Come on, it's just one game," said Lorelai, "And I'm sure you can draw pretty well. I really like those pretty pictures of burgers you sometimes draw on your chalkboard menus. Very pretty. Go ahead."  
  
Luke sighed and picked up a card. He looked at it, and sighed again. He walked to the board and started drawing something. Lorelai squinted her eyes and blinked several times, before randomly guessing. "A dog! No, wait a cat! Cat on a Hot Tin Roof! Elizabeth Taylor! National Velvet! A Horse! The Horse Whisperer! Matt Damon! Ben Affleck! Jennifer Lopez! The Wedding Planner! My Best Friend's Wedding! Man's Best Friend! Superman! Batman! Spiderman! Kirsten Dunst! An Interview With a Vampire! Queen of the Damned! Children of the Damned! Village of the Damned! The Hoover Dam! Water! Watership Down!"  
  
Luke put down his marker. "Are you even looking at the picture?"  
  
"Thirty seconds left," Sookie looked at the stopwatch. "And no talking!"  
  
"If I don't talk how am I going to guess the words?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"I was talking to Luke," said Sookie.  
  
"Oh," Lorelai motioned to Luke to continue drawing. "Quick! Continue drawing."  
  
"I don't see why you aren't getting this one by now," said Luke, turning back to the board. He started drawing again. "It's so obvious."  
  
"Hey," Sookie interrupted, "Let your drawing do the talking, flannel boy!"  
  
Luke glared at her, and Sookie quietly backed down.   
  
Lorelai began to guess again. "A person! A woman! The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood! Sister Act! Wait, is it a man? It's a man! A man! Ooh. A well endowed man."  
  
Luke turned around. "It's a sword."  
  
"Hey!" Sookie yelled. "You can't tell her what you're drawing."  
  
"A sword? A man with a Sword! I've got it! The Man With The Sword! That's it!" Lorelai screamed.  
  
Luke looked at her in disbelief. "What?"  
  
"The Man With the Sword!" Lorelai screeched.  
  
"That's not a movie!"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"No talking!" Sookie held her hand up, her eyes still fixated on the stop watch.  
  
"Which moron would name their movie 'The Man With The Sword'?" Luke asked.  
  
"I don't know," said Lorelai, "There's a movie called Juwanna Mann, isn't there?"  
  
"So?"  
  
"You know, if we aren't going to follow the rules," Sookie started, "I don't see why…"  
  
"I'm just saying, that if there's a movie called Juwanna Mann, is it so hard to believe that there might be one called 'The Man With The Sword'?"  
  
"Even if there is, that's not the movie I'm drawing," Luke insisted.  
  
"What are you drawing, then?" Lorelai asked, "I feel like I'm looking at a psychiatrist's ink blot."  
  
"Are you insulting my drawing?"  
  
"I don't know. I think there's something to be said if you draw a man with a sword, and then said it isn't a man with a sword."  
  
"I never said it wasn't a man with a sword," said Luke. "I'm just saying that it's not …"  
  
"Aha! So you admit, it is a man with a sword!"  
  
"But it's not a movie," Luke retorted.   
  
"And time's up!" Sookie screamed, jumping up. Everyone in the room looked at her. "Sorry, I get a little emotional when it comes to games that require you to be fast."  
  
"It's true," Lorelai said, "You don't want to play Snap with her. She'll tear your head off."  
  
"The movie was Gladiator," said Luke, motioning to the picture he drew.  
  
"What?" Lorelai looked at the drawing, "*That's* Gladiator? It looks nothing like Russell Crowe. Cameron Crowe maybe."  
  
"I wasn't drawing Russell Crowe," Luke said. "I was drawing a gladiator."  
  
"It doesn't look like a gladiator."  
  
"Oh, sure, but it looks completely like a man with a sword. I see the startling difference."  
  
"Okay, Lorelai and Luke, you failed to get that one right," Sookie decided to cut in before things turned ugly. "So we'll go on with the next team. Which is… Rory and me."  
  
Luke handed the marker to Rory, and sat down beside Lorelai. He crossed his arms. "It did look like a Gladiator."  
  
Lorelai patted his arm and gave him a smile. "I'm sure it did, Luke. I'm sure it did."  
  
*  
  
A/N:   
  
Attention, avid readers! Starting from next chapter onwards, the whole fic will be written in a hybrid language of Japanese, Spanish and French. I call this new language Frapanish. It'll be revolutionary!  
  
Also, I need someone to send me naughty pictures of Luke. I need them for, erm, research. Yup. That's it. Fic research.  
  
* 


	12. You Can Flip My Burgers Any Time, Mr Dan...

TWELVE : You Can Flip My Burgers Any Day, Mr. Danes  
  
A/N: Thank you to those of you who actually sent me some very nice pictures of Luke. There weren't any naughty ones, unfortunately, except one that came from a certain person who will remain anonymous. You know who you are - it's kinda disturbing when you cut and paste Scott Patterson's head on Justin Timberlake's shirtless body so stop doing that. Thank you. Love, peace, hope, faith, charity! Woo!  
  
---  
  
"Hey," Rory walked into the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe. Lorelai was opening the refrigerator and rifling through it. "Enjoying your party so far?"  
  
"Uh-huh, loads," said Lorelai, closing the refrigerator door. "Couldn't ask for a better party. Thanks."  
  
"Oh, Babette and Miss Patty did most of the planning," Rory walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table, "I just stood around and said things like 'um' and 'okay'. I was invaluable to the decision making process. What are you looking for?"  
  
"Ah, just for some water," Lorelai said, "Playing Pictionary with Luke is thirsty work."  
  
"So I noticed," Rory drummed her fingers on the table, "Though I think you guys would probably have received a score higher than 4 if you didn't yell out everything that comes into your mind."  
  
"I can't help it," said Lorelai, "His drawings suck. Don't tell him that though, it'd hurt his precious ego."  
  
"Okay," Rory took out the small, wrapped present she had kept hidden from Lorelai. "Hey, I want to give you something."  
  
"Aww, a present," said Lorelai, walking to the table and sitting down. She picked it up and examined it. "How sweet! You could have given it to me later. We're opening the presents after Pictionary, remember?"  
  
"Yeah, but I just remembered that I can't stay for long," said Rory, "I'm going to be spending the night at Lane's. Her mother wouldn't let her go to your engagement party since she said it would be a gathering of sin, so we told her we were going for a movie. Lane somehow thought it'd be more convincing if I came home with her and spent the night."  
  
"I don't see how that's more convincing."  
  
"You know Kim logic."  
  
"Ah, yes," Lorelai said. She shook her present. "Hmm. Not very shakable. Can I open it now?"  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
Lorelai tore through the wrapping paper like a psychopath. It fell away to reveal a beautiful, silver photo frame. "Aw, it's so pretty."  
  
Inside the frame was a picture of Luke and Lorelai sitting on a bench and talking. It was the same one that Rachel took. "It's kinda lame, I know," Rory said, "But I didn't know what was the traditional gift a daughter should give to her mother on her fake engagement. So I dug through our photo album, and I thought this one looked pretty nice - "  
  
"I love it," Lorelai reached over and hugged Rory. "You're a great kid."  
  
"Thank you. I am one of a kind," said Rory getting up. "Lane and I better get going, or her mom's going to think we were seduced by the devil. Enjoy the rest of your party."  
  
"Oh, wait," Lorelai got up as well, "What's Sookie going to think if you walk out on her Pictionary game half way? She'll go crazy."  
  
"Nah, I already told her. She's handling it surprisingly well, though."  
  
Sookie rushed into the kitchen. "Lorelai, hurry up, it's your turn. Final round! You and Luke are still in this. You only have to correctly guess sixty-four answers in a minute and you'll tie for third place."  
  
"Well, I'm drawing this round," said Lorelai, "So I think we'll do better."  
  
"Oh, but Luke's no good at guessing," said Rory. "I mean, he hardly speaks, so I really don't think he's going to be good at making multiple guesses."  
  
"We'll think of something," said Lorelai, "I'm not going down without a fight."  
  
FIVE MINUTES LATER  
  
"And okay. Taylor and Kirk, you guys are in first place with one hundred and twenty four. Miss Patty and Babette, you're second. Rory and I are in third with seventy three, but only because Rory ditched me halfway," said Sookie, "And Lorelai and Luke, you have a grand total of nine, which means you're fourth."  
  
"You mean last," said Luke. "Just say it."  
  
"Okay," Sookie announced, "Lorelai and Luke are last."  
  
"Can we just open the presents so I can go home?" Luke said.  
  
"My favorite part of the party," said Kirk. "Present openings tend to be very suspenseful."  
  
"Open ours first," Miss Patty shoved a small package into Lorelai's hands. "Babette and I bought this from a nice little shop in Hartford. Open it."  
  
"Aw, there's a card and everything," Lorelai picked up the card and read it out loud. " 'To Lorelai and Luke – We Told You So. Love, Patty and Babette.' How sweet."  
  
"Consider me hyperglycemic," Luke said. "Open the present."  
  
"You're so grumpy," said Lorelai, patting his arm. She began unwrapping the present.  
  
"We got you something we think the both of you will enjoy," said Babette.  
  
"How thoughtful," said Lorelai. She opened the box and took out what appeared to be a rather see-through piece of lingerie. "Oooh, sexy. Luke, look what Miss Patty and Babette got us."  
  
Luke looked and for a moment his mind was too preoccupied with wondering what Lorelai would look like in it. He snapped out of it and managed to mumble an almost coherent reply: "Um. Yeah."  
  
"Aw, he's just shy," said Lorelai, who was enjoying this immensely. "But I think he'll be more appreciative of the present later tonight. Wink, wink."  
  
"Oh, doll, you're so bad," Babette laughed.  
  
"Thank you so much," said Lorelai. She put her arm around Luke. "We love it. Don't we Lukey? Yes, Lukey likes his present."  
  
"Um," Luke blushed. "Can we just open the other presents now?"  
  
"His face is all red," said Lorelai, stroking his cheek. She was pushing it, she knew, but she was having way too much fun to stop anyway. "Lukey, don't be embarrassed. I'll model Miss Patty and Babette's gift for you later, if it'll cheer you up."  
  
Luke gently brushed her hand off his face. "Stop that."  
  
Lorelai turned to the rest of the party guests. "He says that now, but in the bedroom he's all 'do this' and 'do that'." Everyone chuckled at her statement, which made Luke's face turn a deeper shade of red, if it were at all possible.  
  
"Just open the rest of the presents," Luke mumbled, already embarrassed half to death.  
  
"I love it when you order me around," said Lorelai. "It's so sexy."  
  
"Just open the damn presents."  
  
*  
  
"Thank you again," Lorelai called out as the last of the party guests walked out into the lawn. "I had a great time. And really nice presents, too!" She closed the door.  
  
"You know," said Luke, picking up some of the pieces of wrapping paper that had fallen off the table, " I don't even know why I'm offering to help you clean up this mess. After that stunt you pulled, I should just let you clean up on your own."  
  
"You're doing it because you lovvve me and you find me very preeety," said Lorelai. "And besides, the townspeople will think you're a pretty crappy boyfriend if you didn't help me."  
  
"Well, they're pretty crappy people for throwing a party in *your* house and then leaving you to clean it up."  
  
"I told them to leave," said Lorelai, "I said 'Go, be free.' You know, like Gandhi."  
  
"Gandhi never said that."  
  
"Well, I'm as hungry as he was," said Lorelai, walking into the kitchen, "So it's about the same. You want something to eat?"  
  
"Are you kidding me? You stuffed your face like a pig at the party."  
  
"That's not a very nice thing to say."  
  
"Well, you weren't particularly nice to me, either," said Luke. He balled up the remnant pieces of wrapping paper and threw them into a nearby waste paper basket.  
  
"You're not going to hold a grudge against me, are you? It's all in good fun."  
  
"Yeah, yeah."  
  
"Hey, Luke, come here," Lorelai called out from the kitchen. Luke went to her, and found her holding the photo frame Rory had given her earlier. "I forgot to show you what Rory gave us for our engagement."  
  
He walked over to her and took the frame. He looked at the picture inside. "This is the picture that…"  
  
"Yup," said Lorelai. "Looks good, huh."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"I've got to hand it to Rory," said Lorelai, "She may suck at organized sports, but she's a really good gift giver. I think this is the best present ever."  
  
"Yeah, it's nice."  
  
"But not as nice as Miss Patty's present?" Lorelai asked her question in a teasing tone.  
  
"Will you please drop that?"  
  
"Hah, you should have seen yourself," said Lorelai, "You were like all 'um' and 'erm' and 'yeah'. And your face was red. Like an apple. A very red apple. Like a sunset. Like a -"  
  
"Okay, I got the imagery."  
  
"Touchy," said Lorelai. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the lingerie Miss Patty and Babette had given to them. "Oh, look what just happens to be in my pocket."  
  
"Well, put it back in your pocket."  
  
"Oh, you're sexy when you're commanding," Lorelai said in a high-pitched voice, waving the lingerie in the air, "You're so dreamy! You can flip my burgers any day, Mr. Danes!"  
  
"Stop that." He held grabbed her arms and forcibly pushed them down to her sides to stop her from flailing them about.  
  
"You're so strong," said Lorelai, still in her falsetto voice, "You must work out every day."  
  
"Believe me, every day with you like is a work out."  
  
"Because you sweat and pant a lot? Dirty."  
  
"No," said Luke, "Because it's very tiring."  
  
"Naughty."  
  
"Stop that."  
  
"Make me."  
  
"I am," Luke said. They both realized that he still held her arms by her side, and that somehow in the space of five seconds they had managed to edge closer to each other, till their faces were only inches apart.  
  
"Well, you're… not doing a very good job," said Lorelai. She was confused. There was a multitude of feelings racing through her brain, and right now she was no longer sure which were good feelings and which were wrong feelings.  
  
Luke felt his pulse racing. He knew that if he just let her go, it would be over. He could step away, and then there wouldn't be this … awkward moment that they were having right now.   
  
But he didn't want to let go. He didn't want to step away. He liked being close to her, feeling her breath against his neck.   
  
He leaned towards her, at the same time she leaned towards him. Their lips met, and as they shared their first kiss, he loosened his grip on her hands. In response, she threw her hands around his neck, and he placed his on the small of her back.   
  
And they just stood there.  
  
Kissing.   
  
Touching.  
  
It took them a while, but they finally pulled apart. They stared at each other awkwardly, each unsure of what the other was thinking, and each unsure of what they were to do next.  
  
"So. Erm," Luke put his hands behind his head nervously. The kiss was fantastic; it was more than he could ever imagined. If he had died this moment, he would be the happiest man alive, but right now all he wanted to do was get away from her… there were too many feelings, too many emotions, and he didn't know how to handle them. He looked around. "I guess, the place looks cleaned up. So … I… erm, better go. Erm, back."  
  
"Oh, sure, that's a good idea," said Lorelai. She knew that things were getting weird, and she needed time to think. "Thanks."  
  
"Yeah. No problem," said Luke. He gave Lorelai one last glance as he walked out the kitchen.  
  
Now, she thought, as watched him go, things are going to get really complicated.  
*  
  
to be continued!  
  
No smart ass "Next Time On…" because I've run out of ideas. Instead I will write a beautiful haiku:  
  
Winter is quite cold.  
Tobogganing we will go.  
Yeah, that's a cool word.  
  
Don't forget to post your review on my fic, and on my beautiful haiku. Ciao. Till next time. 


	13. His Name is Luka, He Lives On The Second...

THIRTEEN: HIS NAME IS LUKA, HE LIVES ON THE SECOND FLOOR  
  
A/N: Ooh, chapter thirteen. If I were superstitious, I would skip 13 and call this piece chapter fourteen, but then that would screw up the little navigational bar FF.Net has, coz it would say something like "13. Chapter Fourteen" and life is hard enough as it is without me confusing everybody. Did you know that some hotels actually skip the 13th floor? That's why when you're in the elevator, there's no number 13. Which is kinda weird, because just calling the 13th floor the 14th floor doesn't actually mean that the 13th floor doesn't exist. It's still there, only under a different name. Wow. I think that statement can be applied on so many levels. I'm like, so super philosophical today.  
  
A/N2: Thanks for all the reviews, and I'm sorry it took me so long. I'll try to be more punctual and efficient the next time.   
  
A/N3: Thanks for the (mostly) positive feedback on my beautiful haiku. Some of you thought it was crap, which was mean, and that made me lock myself in a room and cry for many days. Really.  
*  
  
"I'm back," Rory called out as she stepped into the house. "Did you miss me?"  
  
Lorelai came bounding down the stairs and hugged Rory. "Oh, definitely. How was your night?"  
  
"Well, mostly okay," said Rory, walking to the couch and sitting down. "Did you know that if you don't say your prayers every night, you'll roast in hell for all eternity?"  
  
"No, I did not know that."  
  
"Well, I do, thanks to Mrs. Kim," said Rory.  
  
"There are not enough words in the English language to describe how freaky that woman is," Lorelai said, taking a seat beside her daughter. "We may have to learn Swahili."  
  
"Put it on our 'to do' list. Right below learning archery and assembling the world's largest Spice Girls memorabilia."  
  
"It's a shame about that Ginger Spice, no?"  
  
"Get over it, mom."  
  
"Okay," said Lorelai, "Hey, I want to talk to you about something."  
  
"Sounds serious."  
  
"Well, it's not really serious," said Lorelai, "It's actually more of a humorous anecdote than anything else. I have this friend called Luk...a. Haha, and well, you know what's funny is that he actually does live on the second floor. But that's not important, because my humorous anecdote isn't about where he lives."  
  
"Your humorous anecdote is very long."  
  
"I'll make it shorter," said Lorelai, "So Luka has this friend …"  
  
"Isn't Luka a girl's name?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I thought Luka was a girl's name."  
  
"Well, it's not one in my humorous anecdote," said Lorelai, "Anyways, Luka has a friend called Lolly, and they're really good friends, you see, but something …"  
  
"Wait. Luka and Lolly? Where do this people come from?"  
  
"Do you want to hear the story or not?"  
  
"Okay, fine. Carry on."  
  
"Well, to make a long story short, Luka kissed Lolly last night and Lolly wants me to ask you what you think about that."  
  
"Considering I know neither Luka nor Lolly, I don't think I can really form an opinion about the situation."  
  
"Gee, for someone who got accepted into both Harvard and Yale you're not very smart," said Lorelai. "Read between the lines, sister. I kissed Luke last night."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Okay, maybe he kissed me. And I kissed back. Or was it vice versa, I'm not really sure, but the bottom line is I don't know what to do. And I'm hungry and I'm thirsty and we can't go to the diner because I'm afraid to see him."  
  
"How did this happen?"  
  
"It's all your fault."  
  
"I'm to blame for this?"  
  
"If you had given me like a Chia pet, or an ashtray, this wouldn't have happened," Lorelai sighed. "I showed him the present you gave us, and we were like 'aww, how sweet', and then one thing led to another and before you know it… that happened. Oh, yeah, I'm also blaming Miss Patty and Babette."  
  
"What did they do?"  
  
"Their present is to blame as well."  
  
"What was their present?"  
  
Lorelai was about to tell Rory when she stopped midway. "Erm. A shirt."  
  
"Oh, is it pretty? Can I see it?"  
  
"No," said Lorelai quickly, "And stay on the subject. What am I supposed to do with Luke now?"  
  
"I don't know," Rory leaned back against the couch, "I warned you not to get engaged to him. I told you this would end badly."  
  
"But you never said I would end up kissing Luke."  
  
"Nope, that was definitely unforeseeable."  
  
"So, what should I do?"  
  
"Well, this is just off the top of my head," said Rory, "But have you tried talking to him?"  
  
"Oh, no, that wouldn't work."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because… you can't talk to Luke," said Lorelai, "Do you even know the man?"  
  
"Why can't you talk to Luke? You do it every day."  
  
"Yeah, sure, I talk to him everyday," said Lorelai, "About coffee, and meat, and how one day I'm going to die of a heart attack and he's going to stand over my dead body and point and say 'I told you so', but you can't talk to him about stuff like this. He'll close up like… something that closes up when you talk to it, I'm sorry, I'm stressed out and I can't think of an appropriate analogy."  
  
"If you don't want to talk to him, what do you want to do? Avoid him like you usually do?"  
  
"Now, there's a plan."  
  
"Usually, that would work," said Rory, "But you're forgetting that you also said you would marry him, and I'm not really sure, but I think the two of you actually have to be present in the same room for that to happen."  
  
"Oh, I can't marry him now."  
  
"But the diner…"  
  
"Now you're supporting this?"  
  
"You promised him, and if you back out now what's going to happen to the diner?"  
  
"Rory," said Lorelai, "It's one thing to marry him knowing it could never go anywhere, but it's another thing to do it when… we're like this. It's a mess."  
  
"Well, you'd better sort it out soon," said Rory, "And you really need to talk to Luke. He's probably going through the same things in his head."  
  
"What if he doesn't want to talk to me?"  
  
"Then you've got to make him talk to you."  
  
"How do I do that? This is the man who thinks 'um' is over descriptive."  
  
"I don't know," said Rory, "You should know. Tie him down and make him listen or something."  
  
"Ooh, kinky."  
  
"Mom…" Rory sighed. "Look, you'd better talk to him fast, before things get any weirder between the two of you and we have a repeat of that incident where you went about avoiding each other for months."  
  
"Ugh, I hate it when you're reasonable."  
  
"I know," Rory gave a smile, "It's one of my more undesirable qualities."  
  
"Why did I have to kiss Luke, of all people?" Lorelai buried her head in her hands. "Of all the people in the party…"  
  
"Considering the other people in the party include Kirk and Taylor, I think you got off pretty okay."  
  
Lorelai got up. "Fine. I'll go talk to him now. He probably won't want to but at least I can say I tried."  
  
*  
  
Lorelai pushed the door to the diner and stepped inside. She noticed Luke was pouring coffee for one of his customers seated by the window and she walked up to him.  
  
"Hey," she said, cautiously, "Can we talk?"  
  
Luke shot her a sideways glance and continued pouring the coffee. "I'm kinda busy right now."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that's all right. I can wait until you're done."  
  
He finished pouring the coffee, looked at her, and then walked to the counter. "I still have a lot of things I have to get done."  
  
"So, what, you're like so busy you can't take five minutes out of your time to talk to me, is that it?"  
  
"I have my hands full," Luke said, putting down the coffee pot and picking up two plates of food nearby. He served them to the customers sitting nearby, with Lorelai following him every step of the way.  
  
"We really need to talk," she said again.  
  
"I told you, I'm busy."  
  
"Luke, if you don't let me talk to you I'm going to make a scene. I'm warning you before hand, I may cry and bitchslap you."  
  
"Fine," Luke said curtly. He held her arm and dragged her to the storage room. "We can talk here."  
  
"Why are you being so cold to me?"  
  
"I'm not being cold to you," he said, "I'm busy. Have you seen how many people are in the diner today?"  
  
"That's a lie," said Lorelai, "You're avoiding me because of last night. Last night was…"  
  
"Look," said Luke, "I know what you're going to say. It was a mistake, and I totally agree with you. It never should have happened, but it did, and that's that."  
  
"Wow, you're so eloquent."  
  
"I'm not saying that we should forget about it, or act like it never happened," said Luke, "But I don't see how talking about it is going to make things any better. It'll just keep us thinking about it and then we'll both feel like fools, and frankly I think it's better if we just write this one off as a one-time, ridiculous, lapse of judgment."  
  
"So that's how you really feel about it."  
  
"Don't you?"  
  
Lorelai paused. "Yeah. I guess." She didn't know why, but a part of her felt hurt that he was just brushing this aside like it was nothing… or even worse, he was treating it like it was some sort of… stupid mistake. "I guess there's no need for me to be standing here any longer, then. I'll see you later." She spun around and stormed out of the storage room.  
  
Luke stared after her, and some part of him wished he didn't lie to her.  
  
* to be continued *  
  
next time :   
My eleven year old cousin takes over for me and writes a chapter. Here is a sample of her brilliant writing :  
  
"yeah luke like Lorelia he said to her 'why lorelia we kis but it is wron.g I luv u lorelia' but Lorilai she is confussed . She not sure if she luv luke she ask rory rory wat is my feling about Look. Do I luv him I think I love him? And rory said I dunno u shld talk to him and then jess he came and he kiss rory and he say do u luv me or dean or thristen more pls tell me…"  
  
Are you excited already? I know I am! 


	14. Whatever, Dude, It's Cool

FOURTEEN: WHATEVER, DUDE, IT'S COOL  
  
A/N1: Sorry it took me so long to write a new chapter, I've been stumped by writer's block.   
  
A/N2 : I know I promised that my eleven year old cousin was supposed to write this chapter, but she has managed to get a book deal and is busy writing her new collection of Trory stories to write a whole chapter. So therefore, she can only write snippets of the fic, which I will put at the end of the chapter.   
  
***  
  
"How did it go?" Rory asked as her mother stormed into the living room.  
  
"Can't you tell by my storming in?" Lorelai threw herself on the couch in frustration. "Everybody knows that when someone storms in, it's never a good time."  
  
"I couldn't tell you were storming in," said Rory, "I was reading my book."  
  
"Well, do you want me to go out and storm back in again? Because I kind of like the sound my shoes make when I storm into the house."  
  
"No, it's all right," said Rory, putting her book down on the table. "What happened?"  
  
"Nothing. That's what happened. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Compared to what happened to me, the plot in Agent Cody Banks was full of substance."  
  
"I still think you shouldn't have watched that movie."  
  
"There was nothing else to see."  
  
"All right," Rory said, "So tell me what happened."  
  
"Okay. You know the iceberg that hit the Titanic? If it saw Luke, it would have said 'brrr, you're cold!' Because that's how he was."  
  
"The iceberg didn't hit the Titanic. The Titanic was the one which hit the iceberg. Icebergs don't hit ships. They're almost stationary."  
  
"Could you focus please?" Lorelai said, "So I went over to Luke's, and I said we needed to talk. And he was like 'yeah, cool, whatever dude', and I'm like , 'no, really, we have to talk', and he's like ''whatever, dude, it's cool, it's nothing, yeah, rock on'."  
  
"I'm assuming you've embellished the story a little."  
  
"Just a teensy bit," Lorelai brought her fingers close to illustrate. "And that was basically the end of our conversation. He said it was nothing, it was stupid, and that there was nothing to talk about, and that we should just act like it was a one-off incident."  
  
"Well, that's good isn't it?"  
  
"How is this good?"  
  
"For one thing, he doesn't think it's anything serious, so things don't have to get weird between you."  
  
"No," Lorelai insisted, "It's an insult. You don't kiss someone and tell them they're stupid. I mean, not unless you're kissing Pamela Anderson, and while we're on that topic she makes very bad life decisions."  
  
"So, now you're insulted."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"So you wanted him to think there was something going on between the two of you."  
  
"Uh… no."  
  
"But if he didn't think there was something going on, it's insulting."  
  
  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Do you not see the lapse in logic here?"  
  
"Look it's very complicated," said Lorelai, "And you don't understand because you're only eighteen and you have yet to see the world, and let me tell you, there's drugs, and sex, and booze, and you can't use logic all the time, so there."  
  
"You get weird when you know you're wrong," said Rory. "So what are you going to do now? I hope you're not going to avoid him again because that routine is getting pretty old."  
  
"Oh, please, I'm not going to avoid him. I'm not a child."  
  
"Good."  
  
"I'm just not going to see him for a while."  
  
"And that's not avoiding him?"  
  
"No, the term 'avoiding' suggests that I make movements in a deliberate attempt to distance myself from him, where else if I just don't go out, and not see him, then I can't be said to be avoiding him. I'm just reducing the opportunity of meeting him."  
  
"Aw, mom, I can't believe you're going to avoid him."  
  
"I told you, I'm not avoiding him."  
  
"But you're supposed to marry him."  
  
"Oh, right," Lorelai sighed. She got up. "Okay, fine. I'll go talk to him again. But if he goes stonewall on me again I'm going to kick his ass."  
  
"That's the spirit!"  
  
*  
  
"I'm back," said Lorelai as she pushed the diner door open.   
  
  
  
Luke looked up from the counter where he was standing. "Huh? You just left."  
  
"Yeah, I'm back again," Lorelai walked past him and dragged him into the storage room. "I just came by to tell you that I'm deeply insulted."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm insulted."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you called me a fool."  
  
"When did I do that?"  
  
"When I was here the last time."  
  
"I never called you a fool."  
  
"Yes, you did," Lorelai insisted. "You said I was a fool, and that you were a fool, and that we were both fools. You called me a fool!"  
  
"Well, if I didn't then, I sure as hell want to do that now. What's wrong with you?"  
  
"How can you call me a fool?"  
  
"For the last time, I didn't call you a fool."  
  
"Yes, you said that kissing me made you feel like a fool."  
  
"Then I was calling myself a fool, not you."  
  
"You called me a fool by implication."  
  
"Are you on drugs?" Luke asked.  
  
"Oh," Lorelai huffed, "So now I'm a drug-addicted fool, is that it? Is that what you're trying to say? Are you calling me a crack whore?"  
  
"Why are you so angry?"  
  
"I'm angry because…" Lorelai paused, trying to think of what to say, "I'm angry because you said you wished you never kissed me, and that kissing me was a ridiculous lapse of judgment. I don't know, but that's not exactly a nice thing to hear."  
  
"Well, what did you expect me to say? That it's not weird, that it's been really fun, and we should do it more often?"  
  
"No, not exactly," said Lorelai. "But you could at least have said it was nice."  
  
"It was nice," Luke sighed, "But … I just didn't want things to get weird between us. I mean, considering, the diner… and the wedding and everything. I don't know." He sat down on a box of supplies by the door.  
  
"So where do we go from here?" Lorelai sat down beside him.  
  
"I don't know. What do you think?"  
  
"How should I know? I'm just a pot-smoking fool."  
  
"Do you think still getting married is the right thing to do? I mean, after… everything."  
  
Lorelai took his hand in hers. "Hey, it's the only way you can keep the diner. We'll work everything out."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
  
  
"Yes. I made a promise, and I'm going to keep it," she said, "I know things are a little shaky between us right now, but … I think we'll see it through. And there's no way in hell I'm going to let you lose that diner."  
  
"Thanks," he mumbled, looking down.  
  
"Luke?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Why did your father put that clause in his will, anyway?" Lorelai asked, turning to him, "It seems pretty non-standard, if you ask me."  
  
"I don't know," he sighed, "I guess he was afraid I would end up alone. I mean, in his sick, twisted way, I think he just wanted what was best for me."  
  
"Yeah, fathers can be dumb that way." Lorelai smiled at him.  
  
  
  
"Lorelai?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"I don't think you're a fool," he said, looking at her, "At least, not all the time."  
  
"Thanks," she said, "Now get up. We have a wedding to plan."  
  
* to be continued *  
  
~~~  
  
As a little bonus, here's a sneak peek at my eleven year old cousin's upcoming book : "Thrid Chances: The Trory Romence Colecttion"  
  
Chap 1 : dean hes evil tristen is the true luv of rory  
  
Rory is reading her books it Is a thikce book abut poems and poetri I likes dis books a lot rory says i hope I can raed more when I am in universite yale. Lorelai come in the phone ring she pick it up lorelia says rory it is for you it sounds like dean maybe it is dean yeah I think it is hello dean rory says how are you I am fine dean says its funny but I want to get back 2gether wif u rory I luv you then b4 rory she can anwrer tresten come in and say rory I luv u I escape form the milaetery skool so I can join u my true love lorelia is shoked and amazed this is unbeilvable…   
  
More next week!  
  
~~~ 


	15. I Hate Flute Music

FIFTEEN: I HATE FLUTE MUSIC  
  
A/N: My eleven year old cousin sends her 'luv and gratetude' for all the praise you have given for the first chapter of her book : "Thrid Chances: The Trory Romence Colecttion". She has agreed to allow me to post the next part of her book at the end of this chapter. Yay!   
  
A/N2: And Oregano, my she will be heading to Canada sometime in the fall, for her 'Thrid Chances' book signing tour, so I'll tell her to drop by and say hi to you.   
  
*  
  
"Hi, hi," Lorelai said as she pushed open the diner door carrying her yellow folder. She set it down on a table by the window and beckoned Luke to come. He put down the coffee pot he was holding and walked over.  
  
"What now?"  
  
"Sit, sit," said Lorelai, patting the chair next to hers, "Isn't it great that we don't feel weird around each other? It makes planning marital bliss much easier. Here, look at this." She opened the folder and slid it to him across the table.  
  
"What's this?" He asked as he took a seat.  
  
"A magical scroll that when read aloud, will open a doorway to the kingdom of Narnia," said Lorelai. "What do you think it looks like? It's our wedding stuff. I told you about this before."  
  
"Hmm. To be honest I guess I wasn't really listening."  
  
"Blah," she brushed his comment aside, "Anyways, there were literally hundreds of choices for everything, and when I say literally, I really do mean literally, I mean, look at how thick this folder is. So I've narrowed it down to like three or four choices for all the stuff. And when I say three or four, I really mean fifteen."  
  
  
  
"Fifteen?" Luke flipped through the folder, looking worried.  
  
"They are all seem perfect," said Lorelai.   
  
"Well you can cross out this one," said Luke, showing her a page in the folder, "No way am I having one of those New Age weddings."  
  
"Aw, I liked that one. Why not?"  
  
"Because those freaks hold hands and hug trees at every ceremony."  
  
"That is not true. They only hold hands some of the time," said Lorelai, "And besides for a few extra dollars you can get a raccoon to carry the rings."  
  
"Raccoons have rabies."  
  
"Well, I'm sorry, but the bear mauled the last couple so we can't use that."  
  
"I don't want *any* animal to carry the rings."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
  
  
"Because, and I'm surprised you didn't know this already, but I think Jackson is much more competent at handling that area than a raccoon or a bear," said Luke.  
  
"How about a trained badger?"  
  
"Cross this out," Luke repeated.   
  
"Fine," Lorelai took out a marker from her purse and drew a thick line across the page.   
  
"I just thought you would like to have something different for a change. Oh, wait, before I forget, I need to ask you about the song selection. I was thinking for the first dance we could have Bette…"  
  
"Please don't finish that sentence with 'Midler'."  
  
"Oh, come on, Wind Beneath My Wings is the perfect wedding song."  
  
"No."  
  
"The Rose?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What do you want then? And before you say anything I don't think Margaritaville is a good song to play at a wedding."  
  
"I wasn't going to suggest that," said Luke. "Look, I'm no good at all this stuff. If you want to ask me about the food, then maybe I'll have some input, but, music and themes, I…"  
  
"Okay, I'll tell you what. I have a whole catalogue of songs in Appendix C of the folder here," she points to the appropriate tab, "So, why don't you tell me what kind of music you definitely don't want, and then we'll narrow it down. See, right now I'm crossing out Bette Midler, which is really, a waste if you ask me. Now, what don't you want to hear?"  
  
"Erm," Luke paused, "Well, for starters, anything by anyone not old enough to vote."  
  
"Oh! Are you sure? Because there's this really good Britney …"  
  
"And," Luke cut her off quickly, "Any song that requires the singer to hold the same note for more than ten seconds."  
  
"So, no Whitney Houston or Celine Dion. Check."  
  
"And nothing too sappy. I hate sap."  
  
"Okay. Only tough, manly songs."  
  
"And nothing too slow."  
  
"Gotcha. Fast, upbeat songs," Lorelai wrote the things down.  
  
"And nothing with flutes. I hate flute music."  
  
"No flutes. Done."  
  
  
  
"Nothing from a movie. Those songs are all contrived and commercialized anyways."  
  
"No soundtrack music. Check. Is that all?"  
  
"I guess," said Luke.  
  
Lorelai looked at the list. "So – to repeat: No Bette, no Britney, no Celine, no Whitney, no sap, nothing slow, no flute music and nothing from a soundtrack. Well, the only song I have here that matches that criteria is 'Bad Seed' by Metallica. What luck, with it being my mother's favorite song and all."  
  
"That's not funny," said Luke. "I'm sure there are a few decent songs somewhere in there that don't make me want to scratch my eyes out."  
  
"I'm sure there is," Lorelai writes down a short note by the side of the page, "I'll go home and sort out the list with Rory. I think we'll be able to come up with something."  
  
"All right. Is that all?"  
  
"Well. Yeah. Sookie's handling the food and the catering so we don't have to worry about that. And I talked things through with Taylor, so we can probably have the wedding right here in Stars Hollow, so that covers the venue, and, well, aside from the decorations and invitations, I guess that's it," said Lorelai. "Hmm. It seemed like a much bigger deal when I was walking here."  
  
"It's probably the folder," said Luke, "I'm sorry I'm not much help. It seems like you're doing everything."  
  
"Oh, I don't mind," she said, "I plan events all the time. I run an inn, remember? And besides, it's fun."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Totally," said Lorelai, "Don't sweat it. You're a man. You're not supposed to care about the wedding anyway."  
  
"That sounds harsh."  
  
"I don't mean it like that," said Lorelai, "I'm just saying, men just aren't interested in all this stuff. I think you'd sooner tear off your own arm than go through what kind of lace design is appropriate for the tablecloth. But that's okay, it's what I'm here for."  
  
"It's not that I'm not interested…"  
  
"It's okay, Luke. I told you, you don't have to be."  
  
"Yeah, but you know, I kind of feel guilty about not… being more involved," said Luke, "I mean, even you said the last time that the wedding shouldn't just be about you."  
  
"So, what, you want to help me pick out lace patterns? You're more than welcome."  
  
"Not that part," Luke said hastily, "Just… I don't know, I just want to help out. It doesn't feel right otherwise."  
  
"Sure, that sounds good. You know, it's really sweet that you still want to be so involved even though it's not even really a real wedding."  
  
"I just feel that I should."  
  
Lorelai smiled at him. "All right, then, for the invitations, I'll need a list of people you want to invite," said Lorelai, "So we can get a rough estimate of how much space we'll need."  
  
"Well, I don't really have that many people to invite. I think everybody I want to come already lives here."  
  
"Aw, how sweet," said Lorelai, "Okay: practical question – would it be considered rude to not invite my mother?"  
  
"Not any ruder than slapping her tightly across the face."  
  
"Is that a yes or a no?"  
  
"Lorelai, you're not serious …"  
  
"Oh, of course I'm not serious," she slapped him on the arm, "What kind of monster do you take me for? I mean, sure, on my wedding day, my mother will probably insult my dress, my hair, my makeup, my lifestyle and my career, but family is family. Hah, and she'll be your mother in law. Good luck. You're walking into a death trap."  
  
"I think I can take her,"  
  
"Yeah, you just have to watch out for her sucker punches. She fights dirty," Lorelai said, getting up. "Well, I have to get going, I need to run some stuff through with Rory. I'll see you later?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Bye," said Lorelai, grabbing the folder and heading out the door.  
  
* to be continued *  
  
-----  
  
And now for Chapter Two of my eleven year old cousin's new book, coming out soon:  
  
Chaptar 2 : trestian and dean figth for rorey  
  
Rory she iz surpriased at tristen he is here "tristen I tot u r in the school of militarey," she tells him she iz confused coz she luvs trestan he is her tru luv even though he sent to the militerary camp (a/n: dat is like so dumb coz he shld stay in stars hallow wif rory since he luvs her yeah if I write for da show I wld not make it hapen milatery skool idea is dumb). Dean iz angery he say to tristen stay Away from. Rory she is not urz anymore I luv rory. Lorelia is stare at them it is not a good day. Tristan say I will figth wif u dean for roryey my truest luv yeah and then they attck each other Stop Stop rory say Pls dun fight fighting is wrong! But tristen he punch dean and dean is unconschus, and tristen grab rory and kiss her coz he luv her "I luv u rory I wil neva leaf u again k" rory say I luve u tresten u r my real and onli luv 4eva and 4va she kis him again…..  
  
~ ~ ~   
  
More next week! 


End file.
